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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Only people who earn a lot of money are successful

Only people who earn a lot of money are successful 0A6GQ
I think that the question whether money is the main indicator of people's success is a controversial one. Some people believe that only one who earns a lot of money is successful. However, other people think one who does not earn a lot of money can be successful too. For several reasons, which I will list bellow, I agree with those people who think that money is an indicator of success. First of all, if a person earns a lot of money it means he or she has unique knowledge and experience and people want to pay for these. For example, a good lawyer is often paid a very high salary, because he or she has won many cases and people are ready to pay big money for his knowledge. A second example is that a salary of a surgeon simplicity depends on his experience and knowledge and on how many surgeries he has completed successfully. In this case surgeon's salary simplicity depends on surgeon's success. Secondly, a high salary is an indicator of a prosperous career and profession. People change their jobs, move from one place to another looking for a more interesting and better-paid job. Of cause, some people do not care about salary as long as they like their job, but from my everyday experience and observation, I can state that the majority of people who are not satisfied with their revenue would exchange their current job for another one with a higher salary. Finally, money plays, maybe, unfortunately, an essential role in our modern life. So, people who earn a lot of money by working hard are considered to be successful. Maybe it sounds a little mercenary but I think that success must be encouraged financially otherwise it is not a success
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "the question".
the question whether
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money
is the main indicator of
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people
's
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success
is a controversial one.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
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people
believe that
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only
one
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who
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earns
a
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lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is successful.
However
, other
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people
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think
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
does not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can be successful too. For several reasons, which I will list bellow, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
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money
is an indicator of success.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, if a person
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earns
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
it means he or she has unique knowledge and experience and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to pay for these.
For example
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
lawyer is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
paid a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high
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salary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he or she has won
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases and
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people
are ready to pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
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money
for his knowledge.

A second example is that a
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salary
of a surgeon simplicity depends on his experience and knowledge and on how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
surgeries he has completed
successfully
.
In this case
surgeon's
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salary
simplicity depends on surgeon's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
Secondly
, a high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
is an indicator of a prosperous career and profession.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
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jobs
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
from one place to another looking for a more interesting and better-paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Did you mean "of course" (=naturally)?
Of cause
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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people
do not care about
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salary
as long as they like their
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job
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
from my everyday experience and observation, I can state that the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not satisfied with their revenue would exchange their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for another one with a higher salary.

Finally
,
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money
plays, maybe, unfortunately, an essential role in our modern life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
are considered
to be successful. Maybe it sounds a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
mercenary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be encouraged
financially
otherwise
it is not a
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
success
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IELTS essay Only people who earn a lot of money are successful

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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