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Online shopping is increasing dramatically How could this trend affect our environment and the kinds of jobs required v.1

Online shopping is increasing dramatically How could this trend affect our environment and the kinds of jobs required v. 1
It is often argued that it is not possible to help every person and each nation will be only focus in help its own countries. Personally, I disagree with this point of view and I think that efforts have to be made to try to bring support. On one hand, is understandable the side of resolve only our concern. Each country has a large list of current problems to be faced and the success of it depends on the work of each society to grant optimal standards for every citizen. For example, taking poverty as a common problem, volunteer, campaigns and special programs can be organized to do charity work for people who need more. In this way, the logistics and planning would be much easier in each town rather than the countries that are miles away from the point. Indeed, even the action and support are received quickly. Despite the mentioned above, I still believe that actions have to be taken trying to help others. A greater number of countries are experimenting more serious problems such as civil war, extreme poverty, malnutrition, among others. In this way, such representations of unity like donations can make a difference, even the smalls may cause a positive impact for those communities. Furthermore, and most importantly, we have an obligation to help those who live beyond our national borders, as a mankind, efforts have to be made in order to preserve the life of our peers. By way of conclusion, national boundaries should not stop us from helping those who are in need over the world as a gesture of humanity.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that it is not possible to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
every person and each nation will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "focus".
focus in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Personally
, I disagree with this point of view and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that efforts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be made
to try to bring support.

On one hand, is understandable the side of resolve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
our concern. Each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has a large list of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
problems to
be faced
and the success of it depends on the work of each society to grant optimal standards for every citizen.
For example
, taking poverty as a common problem, volunteer, campaigns and special programs can
be organized
to do charity work for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who need more. In this way, the logistics and planning would be much easier in each town
rather
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that are miles away from the point.
Indeed
, even the action and support
are received
quickly
.

Despite the mentioned above, I
still
believe that actions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be taken
trying to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
others. A greater number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are experimenting more serious problems such as civil war, extreme poverty, malnutrition, among others. In this way, such representations of unity like donations can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a difference, even the smalls may cause a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact for those communities.
Furthermore
, and most
importantly
, we have an obligation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
beyond our national borders, as a mankind, efforts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be made
in order to preserve the life of our peers.

By way of conclusion, national boundaries should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
us from helping those who are in need over the world as a gesture of humanity.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Online shopping is increasing dramatically How could this trend affect our environment and the kinds of jobs required v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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