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One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? G11g
Along with the development of technologies, advanced medical care has played an important role in the improvement of life expectancy. Although the increase in life expectancy has some pressure on the Medicare system, I am inclined to believe that the advanced medical care brings with it more benefits than disadvantages. The main advantage of high-tech medical care is that people are better taken care so that they have a good health. They can contribute effectively to the development of the economy because healthy workers can create more productivity. In other words, they do not have to spend more time in health checking or treatment so this saves an amount of time as well as cost. In addition, a community with the elderly who have a good health has a major role to play in a sustainable development of a society. In facts, young people will be happy as their parents, grandparents are healthy. It can be said that the improvement of medical care makes a better life for all people. On the other hand, some people maintain that the increase in life expectancy puts a high pressure on the economic system because more pension have to spend for Medicare instead of investing in other sectors of the economic system. Although it is real in some aspects, I believe that the capital that spend on taking care the elderly is contributed by these people during their working time, so they are worth to have good care. They have given their effort to the society so that young people, the governments have a responsibility to improve the Medicare system. By way of conclusion, it is true that the development of the health care system helps people have a better life. It helps people build a sustainable society where people can live a happy life when they are old
Along with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of technologies, advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
has played an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy. Although the increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pressure on the Medicare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
, I
am inclined
to believe that the advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
brings with it more benefits than disadvantages.

The main advantage of high-tech
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are better taken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. They can contribute
effectively
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of the economy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
healthy workers can create more productivity.
In other words
, they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend more time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
checking or treatment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this saves an amount of time
as well
as cost.

In addition
, a community with the elderly who have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
has a major role to play in a sustainable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of a society.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
facts, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be happy as their parents, grandparents are healthy. It can
be said
that the improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
maintain that the increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy puts a high pressure on the economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
more pension
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend for Medicare
instead
of investing in other sectors of the economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
. Although it is real in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
aspects, I believe that the capital that spend on taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
the elderly
is contributed
by these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
during their working time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are worth to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
. They have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
their effort to the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
have a responsibility to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the Medicare system.

By way of conclusion, it is true that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
build a sustainable society where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
when they are
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
old
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IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
305 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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