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One of the consequences of improved medical care

One of the consequences of improved medical care aVDYP
Over the last half century, life expectancy across the world has been rising as a result of better quality healthcare. This means that today we have an ageing population. On the face of it, living longer seems to be a good thing – after all, nobody really want to die! – but a decent old age depends on health and wealth. Many people in their seventies and eighties, and even older, are able to enjoy a long and fulfilling retirement. They can travel to new destinations and get involved in a wide range of hobbies and activities that were impossible while working and bringing up a family. Those with grandchildren may also be able to help young, busy parents with such tasks as collecting children from school; moreover, they could share their life experiences with the younger generation. But while there are tremendous benefits to increased life expectancy, they depend, to an extent, on being healthy and having money. Older people are more likely to suffer from medical problems, especially chronic illnesses like diabetes and muscle pain, which can seriously restrict the kinds of activities they do. This also means increased health care costs, for both individuals and society. In addition, if older people aren’t working, they will have to rely on savings and pensions to pay for their lifestyle, but many older people simply won’t have been able to save enough for a long old age. Overall then, I feel that the benefits of living older are clear, but these must be balanced against the implications for health and money. If living longer simply means chronic health complaints and grinding poverty for a longer time, it is questionable as to whether it is an advantage at all.
Over the last half century, life expectancy across the world has been rising
as a result
of better quality healthcare. This means that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
we have an
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
population. On the face of it, living longer seems to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
after all
, nobody
really
The pronoun 'nobody' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "wants", "wanted".
want
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
!
Consider using an m-dash in dialogues and enumerations.
–
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a decent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age depends on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and wealth.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their seventies and eighties, and even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
, are able to enjoy a long and fulfilling retirement. They can travel to new destinations and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in a wide range of hobbies and activities that were impossible while working and bringing up a family. Those with grandchildren may
also
be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
young, busy parents with such tasks as collecting children from school;
moreover
, they could share their life experiences with the younger generation.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
while there are tremendous benefits to increased life expectancy, they depend, to an extent, on being healthy and having money.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more likely to suffer from medical problems,
especially
chronic illnesses like diabetes and muscle pain, which can
seriously
restrict the kinds of activities they do. This
also
means increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care costs, for both individuals and society.
In addition
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aren’t working, they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
rely on savings and pensions to pay for their lifestyle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
simply
won’t have been able to save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for a long
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age.

Overall
then, I feel that the benefits of living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be balanced
against the implications for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and money. If living longer
simply
means chronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
complaints and grinding poverty for a longer time, it is questionable
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
it is an advantage at all.
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IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved medical care

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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