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One of the best methods to motivate and encourage workers is to pay them according to what they produce or sell. Do you think this is the best method? v.2

One of the best methods to motivate and encourage workers is to pay them according to what they produce or sell. Do you think this is the best method? v. 2
How to motivate and encourage employees in the workplace has become a hot topic of discussion these days. Some people perceive that giving them relevant financial rewards according to their contribution is one of the most efficient ways. This essay will discuss the reason why I completely agree with this view. The prominent purpose for us to work is to make money in order to support our family and improve living conditions as financial security is crucial for all employees. Therefore, employees tend to work harder in order to achieve a higher income. If the employee is offered a fixed salary, they have no real motivation to do their best at work because their income won’t be affected by the work performance. For this reason, it makes perfect sense that the organization offers various income packages to their workers to motivate their staff. Additionally, the wage can be a reflect of their meaningful contributions to the organization and society. For instance, sales who works on commission is always energetic and passionate to the customers because the more they persuade customers to buy, the more they will be paid afterwards and in addition, it is also beneficial for the business due to it enables them to maximize the profit and be more competitive in the market. As can be seen, it is significant for the organization to keep their workers motivated. To sum up, it is debatable whether or not the most effective way to inspire workers to put in their best effort at work is to pay them according to revenues they generated. This essay discussed how employees would be encouraged if they are not offered fixed salaries. I am inclined to say that it is an absolute imperative for the organization in order to enhance profitability.
How to motivate and encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in the workplace has become a hot topic of discussion these days.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
perceive that giving them relevant financial rewards according to their contribution is one of the most efficient ways. This essay will discuss the reason why I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view.

The prominent purpose for us to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money in order to support our family and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
living conditions as financial security is crucial for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder in order to achieve a higher income. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
is offered
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
salary, they have no real motivation to do their best at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their income won’t be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
performance.
For this reason
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
perfect sense that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
offers various income packages to their workers to motivate their staff.

Additionally
, the wage can be a
The word 'reflect' is not a noun. Did you mean "reflection"?
reflect
of their meaningful contributions to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
and society.
For instance
, sales who works on commission is always energetic and passionate to the customers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the more they persuade customers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
, the more they will
be paid
afterwards and
in addition
, it is
also
beneficial for the business due to it enables them to maximize the profit and be more competitive in the market. As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, it is significant for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their workers motivated.

To sum up, it is debatable
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
the most effective way to inspire workers to put in their best effort at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is to pay them according to revenues they generated. This essay discussed how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
would
be encouraged
if they are not offered
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
salaries. I
am inclined
to say that it is an absolute imperative for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
in order to enhance profitability.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay One of the best methods to motivate and encourage workers is to pay them according to what they produce or sell. Do you think this is the best method? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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