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Nowdays shopping has become a new favourite pastime for young people. What are the reasons for this. Should thay be encouraged to develop other hobbies

Nowdays shopping has become a new favourite pastime for young people. What are the reasons for this. Should thay be encouraged to develop other hobbies a0oo
Shopping has become integral part each and every one's life. Yong esters are more attracted towards shopping as compared to older. While there are a plethora of reasons behind this huge amount of money and availability of various types of products. A number of people assert that youngster shall spend time on other activities rather than shopping. I agree with this assertion that they must indulge in various types of hobbies. There are plethora reasons why individuals prefer shopping. One of them is that massive have huge chunk of money. Compared to past, in contemporary era, people have a lot of job opportunities in the market. They earn huge money then they like to spend on materialistic things. Secondly, showing distinct type of products in market to force youngster to purchase things. When they go to market, and they see a lot of varieties like brands. As a result, people prefer shopping when they are free from their study and jobs. It is easy to comprehend why a number of people support other hobbies then shopping. Firstly, people will not only do physical exercise on the contrary also play outdoor games. This is due the fact that they keep health fit and save a lot of money which is wasted on impulsive shopping. Moreover, people can develop creative hobbies like painting. In other words they can pursue their career in this type of field. For example girls can prepare foreigner painting and also produce jewelry products which can manufacture them energetic. In conclusion, youngster be going to mitigate shopping habits which is unwanted. It is better for to do a number of other hobbies it may help people live more relaxed.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shopping
has become integral part
Consider using "each one".
each and every one
's life.
The genitive is possibly missing.
Yong esters
are more attracted towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as compared to older. While there are a plethora of reasons behind this huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and availability of various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of products. A number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
assert that youngster shall spend time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
activities
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this assertion that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
indulge in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of hobbies.

There are plethora reasons why individuals prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. One of them is that massive have huge chunk of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Compared to past, in contemporary era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
job opportunities in the market. They earn huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
then they like to spend on materialistic things.
Secondly
, showing distinct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of products in market to force youngster to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
things. When they go to market, and they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
varieties like brands.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
when they are free from their study and jobs.

It is easy to comprehend why a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hobbies then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do physical exercise
on the contrary
also
play outdoor games. This is due the fact that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
health fit and save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which
is wasted
on impulsive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can develop creative hobbies like painting. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words they can pursue their career in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of field.
For example
girls can prepare foreigner painting and
also
produce jewelry products which can manufacture them energetic.

In conclusion
, youngster be going to mitigate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
habits which
is unwanted
. It is better for to do a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hobbies it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more relaxed.

IELTS essay Nowdays shopping has become a new favourite pastime for young people. What are the reasons for this. Should thay be encouraged to develop other hobbies

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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