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Nowadays, some people believe that personal values are less important than a person's wealth and appearance. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, some people believe that personal values are less important than a person's wealth and appearance. 7aPEk
It is argued that in the modern world, personality is unvalue and people only value your status and money. I completely disagree with this opinion and think that personality should be the first impression. First of all, personal value is a scale to value a person. A person with good behavior can easily communicate in public and get people’s impression. Those relationships can help them find a lot of advantageous opportunities. my friend got a place in a cheering team because on the interview day, despite the others bragging about their beautiful clothes and how rich they are, my friend tried to be herself and her talent. And she got attention from the teacher. That’s why people should be who they are and not be ashamed about that. Secondly, people who come to you because of who you are, are more important than those who just want to take advantage of your wealth. In order word, A good friend is always with you no matter what. We want to have a good and constant friend more than somebody just showing up when you having fun but ignoring you when you need help. For example, the time I came to Canada, I wasn't trying to show off my classmates, I am just normal and friendly with everyone. At the end of the semester, I was friends with everybody and still keep in touch with most of them. Money and appearance is your unstable value and can not be important to value a person. In conclusion, I strongly believe that people always value your personality more than your status and appearance because it is never overlooked.
It
is argued
that in the modern world, personality is
Possible spelling mistake found.
unvalue
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
your status and money. I completely disagree with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that personality should be the
first
impression.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
is a scale to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
a person. A person with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
behavior can
easily
communicate in public and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
impression. Those relationships can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantageous opportunities.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a place in a cheering team
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
on the interview day, despite the others bragging about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
clothes and how rich they are, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
tried to be herself and her talent. And she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
attention from the teacher. That’s why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
they are and not
be ashamed
about that.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
you are, are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
want to take advantage of your wealth. In order word, A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
is always with you no matter what. We want to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and constant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
more than somebody
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
The pronoun 'somebody' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "shows", "showed".
showing
up when
Did you mean "you're having", "you are having", or "you were having"?
you having
fun
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
ignoring you when you need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.
For example
, the time I came to Canada, I wasn't trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off my classmates, I am
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
normal and friendly with everyone. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the semester, I was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
with everybody and
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with most of them. Money and appearance is your unstable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
and can not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
a person.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
your personality more than your status and appearance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is never overlooked.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, some people believe that personal values are less important than a person's wealth and appearance.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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