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nowadays, college students and even high students start to work at a young age. do you think it is a positive or negative development?

nowadays, college students and even high students start to work at a young age. do you think it is a positive or negative development? kYxyN
Running parallel with the development of society, there is a mounting trend towards working at a young age. Although this trend might be of great concern among parents, college students and high school students should be encouraged to embark on having part-time jobs for the chief reasons elaborated below. It is evident that working at a young age brings a host of merits. One of the significant benefits is that students stand a golden chance of understanding the value of money. Because many children, especially high-income families, are hardly awarded of the importance of money, they tend to waste money on unnecessary things. Thus, by having part-time jobs, students experience difficulty in earning money, which assists them in having more responsibility for their incomes. For instance, rather than spending money on cosmetics or fashionable clothes, they may save money for future plans such as start-up or opening a shop. Another enormous advantage is that students have unrivalled opportunities to acquire social skills. Schools do not provide enough practical skills since they are being too focused on learning, academic subjects, thereby robbing valuable chances to get more real-life experience. Hence, thanks to part-time employment, they can work in a new environment and experience unfamiliar situations, whereby getting more social skills such as communication skills or interpersonal skills. Notwithstanding all of its advantages, having part-time jobs has exerted some drawbacks. First, since students are too busy with part-time jobs, they do not have enough time to prepare for class assignments. This gives rise to distraction to students’ academic training, which wreaks havoc on academic results. Second, if they have a heavy workload, they do not have time to relax, which induces mental and physical stress, thereby substantially contributing to poor performance and diminished productivity. In conclusion, although working at a young age has both advantages and disadvantages, upsides brought up by this trend overshadow its downsides
Running parallel with the development of society, there is a mounting trend towards working at a young age. Although this trend might be of great concern among parents, college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and high school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
be encouraged
to embark on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for the chief reasons elaborated below.

It is evident that working at a young age brings a host of merits. One of the significant benefits is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
stand a golden chance of understanding the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children,
especially
high-income families, are hardly awarded of the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, they tend to waste
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on unnecessary things.
Thus
, by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
experience difficulty in earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, which assists them in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
more responsibility for their incomes.
For instance
,
rather
than spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on cosmetics or fashionable clothes, they may save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for future plans such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
-up or opening a shop. Another enormous advantage is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have unrivalled opportunities to acquire social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. Schools do not provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
since they are being too focused on learning, academic subjects, thereby robbing valuable chances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more real-life experience.
Hence
, thanks to part-time employment, they can work in a new environment and experience unfamiliar situations, whereby getting more social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
or interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

Notwithstanding all of its advantages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
has exerted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks.
First
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are too busy with part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to prepare for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
assignments.
Did you mean "these"?
This
gives rise to distraction to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
academic training, which wreaks havoc on academic results. Second, if they have a heavy workload, they do not have time to relax, which induces mental and physical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, thereby
substantially
contributing to poor performance and diminished productivity.

In conclusion
, although working at a young age has both advantages and disadvantages, upsides brought up by this trend overshadow its downsides
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IELTS essay nowadays, college students and even high students start to work at a young age. do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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