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Nowadays, children play computer games for long hours and they dont play old traditional games. What are the reasons? Do you think it is positive?

Nowadays, children play computer games for long hours and they dont play old traditional games. What are the reasons? Do you think it is positive? bE11B
In such contemporary era, majority of teenager want to play technological games at home rather than playing old physical games. Apparently, various factors breeds its popularity. However, it is destructive trend. Fundamentally, the predominant factors that evidentally trigger it can be observed. To begin with, parents nowadays busy in their hectic schedule. Due to this, they do not send their children in the playgrounds and parks for physical games and other activities, also they do not want to keep apart their kids from home. Therefore, at home children start playing games on mobile phones and on computer for long time. Secondly, the graphics and background themes of the computer games are attractive so children can easily allure towards such activities. Besides, the music in video games entertain the children and they become more habitual for such kind of activities. Nevertheless, I find this trend is negative for multifarious reasons. Chiefly, playing computer games for long hours create potential problems and it has detrimental effects on mental and physical development of the kids. Firstly, due to sitting for lengthy hours in front of computer, it starts back pain in the body of the children. Apart from that, they usually eat junk food while watching and playing something. Consequently, they gain overweight and become obese in their childhood. Secondly, Playing computer games over a long period of time hinders psychological development of children and they cannot easily concentrate on learning. Furthermore, it badly effect on their eyes because staying long time in front of screen has worse effects on the eyes of the children. suffice to say, no doubt playing computer games helps to broaden the horizons of kids but playing for long time due to parents ignorance and entertaing graphics of video games, children suffered plethora of health related issues.
In such contemporary era,
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
want to play technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
at home
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Apparently
, various factors breeds its popularity.
However
, it is destructive trend.

Fundamentally
, the predominant factors that
Possible spelling mistake found.
evidentally
trigger it can
be observed
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, parents nowadays busy in their hectic schedule. Due to this, they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the playgrounds and parks for physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and other activities,
also
they do not want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
apart their kids from home.
Therefore
, at home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on mobile phones and on computer for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Secondly
, the graphics and background themes of the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are attractive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
easily
allure towards such activities.
Besides
, the music in video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
entertain the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they become more habitual for such kind of activities.

Nevertheless
, I find this trend is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
for multifarious reasons.
Chiefly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
hours create potential problems and it has detrimental effects on mental and physical development of the kids.
Firstly
, due to sitting for lengthy hours in front of computer, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
back pain in the body of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Apart from that, they
usually
eat junk food while watching and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
something.
Consequently
, they gain overweight and become obese in their childhood.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
over a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
hinders psychological development of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they cannot
easily
concentrate on learning.
Furthermore
, it
badly
effect on their eyes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
staying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of screen has worse effects on the eyes of the children.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
suffice
to say, no doubt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to broaden the horizons of kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
due to parents ignorance and
Possible spelling mistake found.
entertaing
graphics of video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffered plethora of health related issues.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, children play computer games for long hours and they dont play old traditional games. What are the reasons? Do you think it is positive?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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