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Nowadays, children like watching TV .But this is harmful .Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, children like watching TV. But this is harmful. 0Aa89
Watching TV has more affect to children. I completely agree with this above mention. This is damage for children's health. Firstly, this is harmful for their eyes. If they spend a lot of time opposite of tv they will lost light of eyes. This is global problem for parents. Secondly, this is damage to children's all part of bodies. Such as heart system and immune system. Finally, watching dramas or other entertainment programs which is the waste of time. In addition to above mentiones, watching TV is harm for children's worldviews. The main damage is that some countries are struggling with terrorism. For instance, Iraq Afghanistan Syria and other countries. Children watch this news on tv and this negatively impact to their thinking. Another harm is that TV shows all piece of information. This information neglected by children. In additionally to this point, they learn all things which is they see in tv. By way of conclusion, children reiterate all things which watched in tv. In my opinion, spending more time to seing TV has a lot of damage to children.
Watching TV has more affect to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this above mention. This is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
damage
for children's health.
Firstly
, this is harmful for their eyes.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
they spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time opposite of
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
they will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "lose"
lost
light of eyes. This is global problem for parents.
Secondly
, this is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
damage
to children's all part of bodies. Such as heart system and immune system.
Finally
, watching dramas or other entertainment programs which is the waste of time.

In addition
to above
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "mentions", the plural form of the noun 'mention'?
mentiones
, watching TV is harm for children's worldviews. The main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
damage
is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries are struggling with terrorism.
For instance
, Iraq Afghanistan Syria and other countries.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
this news on
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
and this
negatively
impact to their thinking. Another harm is that TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
all piece of information. This information neglected by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In
additionally
to this point, they learn all things which is they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
.

By way of conclusion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
reiterate all things which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
. In my opinion, spending more time to
Possible spelling mistake found.
seing
TV has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
damage
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, children like watching TV. But this is harmful.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
181 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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