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ncreased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend

ncreased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend NrwQq
In the age of modernization and prosperity, our life is more convenient, living criteria is climbed but the humanity is facing a health mishap is an overweight issue. It is considered “a disease of the times” and a growing number of residents have it but it’s more dangerous as the percentage of obese in the young generation relentlessly rise at the alarm level, namely that children is in western society. This essay will mention situation of this problem in order to find realistic effects through theoretical points and use functional instances to demonstrate. The core in order to solve problem that is from its cause in initiative. Firstly, it has been scientifically proven that fast food contains a large amount of fatty acid which principal element triggers obese. However, due to convenience of fast food, they are widely accepted and used as the inevitable of the modern life. Secondary, lazy lifestyle of a huge part young people is the best condition which foster development of obese. Eventually, indulgence is the most important and a determinant as well, parents entitle their children to eat whatever they like in no matter of where and when. It’s precisely due to root results obese to escalate by almost 20% in the last ten years with respect to children in western lands. It would not be an exaggeration to say that the side effects of obese are detrimentally affecting individuals and society. First of all, their health is relentlessly decayed, fatty acids which is in fast food moderately ruin their cardiovascular system, and is a primary factor leads stroke. Second, obese put a great burden on the Government’s budget for treatment which connect with obese such as diabetes and stroke. Finally, biggest risk which it causes the society, less healthy labor. In conclusion, base on situations and effects in the mention early can confirm overweight children is a pressing issue which solves right away by effective and scientific solutions. The Government makes common cause with families to protect young generation.
In the age of modernization and prosperity, our life is more convenient, living criteria
is climbed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the humanity is facing a health mishap is an overweight issue. It
is considered
“a disease of the times” and a growing number of residents have it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it’s more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
as the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
in the young generation
relentlessly
rise at the alarm level,
namely
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is in western society. This essay will mention situation of this problem in order to find realistic effects through theoretical points and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
functional instances to demonstrate.

The core in order to solve problem
that is
from its cause in initiative.
Firstly
, it has been
scientifically
proven that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food contains a large amount of fatty acid which principal element triggers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
.
However
, due to convenience of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food, they are
widely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as the inevitable of the modern life. Secondary, lazy lifestyle of a huge part young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
the best condition which foster development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
.
Eventually
, indulgence is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and a determinant
as well
, parents entitle their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to eat whatever they like in no matter of where and when. It’s
precisely
due to root results
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
to escalate by almost 20% in the last ten years with respect to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in western lands.

It would not be an exaggeration to say that the side effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
are
detrimentally
affecting individuals and society.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, their health is
relentlessly
decayed, fatty acids which is in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food
moderately
ruin their cardiovascular system, and is a primary factor leads stroke. Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
put a great burden on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
’s budget for treatment which connect with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
such as diabetes and stroke.
Finally
,
A determiner is probably missing here: "the biggest".
biggest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
which it causes the society, less healthy labor.

In conclusion
, base on situations and effects in the mention early can confirm overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is a pressing issue which solves right away by effective and scientific solutions. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
common cause with families to protect young generation.
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IELTS essay ncreased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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