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Museums and art galleries should focus on works that show the history and culture of their own country rather than works of other parts of the world. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Museums and art galleries should focus on works that show the history and culture of their own country rather than works of other parts of the world. XGVbA
Many people claim that it is more important for museums to display work from the country where they are located rather than draw from other places around the world. I partly agree that museums are a valuable educational tool to learn about one’s own country but overall museums should aspire to broaden people’s perspective rather than narrow and deepen it. Proponents of museums mainly showcasing works from their own country often point out that they help people connect with their country’s culture and history. Children all over the United States learn about American history from their textbooks. They learn about the constitution, the founding fathers, and the various wars of liberation America has fought. However, if they go to a museum to see the actual historical documents from the period this will likely have a more memorable impression. Seeing a famous work of art or historical document up close, they may notice notice details that were not in their book and feel a more personal connection to their country. Although there is a strong argument to be made for museums specialising in this way, I feel it is more important for people to gain a broader view of cultures around the world. Most people cannot afford to travel abroad and even if they do, they are unlikely to experience another culture deeply as a tourist. Museums are a great opportunity for people of all ages to learn about other countries. Someone visiting the British Museum in London will see artifacts from every continent in the world without a plane ticket. Over the years if they keep returning to the museum they will learn more and more. Museums will inevitable show a mixture of works from their own country as well as other countries. In my opinion, it is more important for people to take in the breadth of culture of the whole world rather than just their country. If children start from a young age learning about the world they are likely to grow up more tolerant.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
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people
claim that it is more
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important
for
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museums
to display
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work
from the
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country
where they
are located
rather
than draw from other places around the
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world
. I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
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museums
are a valuable educational tool to
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learn
about one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
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country
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but
overall
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museums
should aspire to broaden
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people’s
perspective
rather
than narrow and deepen it.

Proponents of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
mainly
showcasing works from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
point out that they
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help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
connect with their
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country’s
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culture
and history. Children all over the United States
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
about American history from their textbooks. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
about the constitution, the founding fathers, and the various wars of liberation America has fought.
However
, if they go to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the actual historical documents from the period this will likely have a more memorable impression. Seeing a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
of art or historical document up close, they may
Possible typo: you repeated a word
notice notice
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details
that were not in their book and feel a more personal connection to their country.

Although there is a strong argument to
be made
for
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museums
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialising' is British English.
specialising
in this way, I feel it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to gain a broader view of
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cultures
around the
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world
. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot afford to travel abroad and even if they do, they are unlikely to experience another
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culture
deeply
as a tourist.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museums
are a great opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all ages to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
about other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. Someone visiting the British
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Museum
in London will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
artifacts from every continent in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
without a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plane
ticket. Over the years if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
returning to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
they will
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learn
more and more.

Museums will inevitable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
a mixture of works from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
as well
as other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. In my opinion, it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to take in the breadth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
of the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
from a young age learning about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
they are likely to grow up more tolerant.
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IELTS essay Museums and art galleries should focus on works that show the history and culture of their own country rather than works of other parts of the world.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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