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Most modern family have both parents working and as a result children spend less and less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problem can this cause? v.1

Most modern family have both parents working and as a result children spend less and less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problem can this cause? v. 1
In this contemporary world, the gender difference is contracting tremendously in recent years. Many latest family includes both senior ones involved in professional sectors, due to which they obtain less period to spend with their children. This essay will highlight a major foundation, and a repercussion caused by this situation. To begin with, nowadays money is an essential factor for most humans, and to receive high wages, they work extra hours with less leisure time to spend with the family and children. The status of an individual is determined by his bank balance and the properties, provided that most people work strenuously to earn the money to enhance their value in the society, but are unavailable for their own children. To illustrate, a survey taken recently by the Nepal Children Society stated that 39% of the younger ones suffer from depression or other mental illness, due to a workaholic parent. Therefore, allocating time for the minor one is extremely significant for any parent, and they must have a balanced personal and professional life otherwise the impact will be massive. Furthermore, without a supervision and a guidance from the elder ones, a child has a high potential to involve in the bad companies, and inculcate a harmful habit. The minor ones are very innocent, and are unable to acknowledge what is right or wrong for them, so such phase is extremely crucial, and every parent must guide their child to lead a right path, and have a successful life. For instance, the Malaysian Children Rights Authority stated that 46% of the children are engaged in drug abuse or criminal activities, because the parents are always busy with work or other events. Thus, such issues must be prevented beforehand, which might have harsh consequences later on. In conclusion, the parents must have the capability to balance their personal, as well as professional life and should constantly guide and supervise their children. A child is the future of the family, so good values and habits are extremely crucial.
In this contemporary world, the gender difference is contracting
tremendously
in recent years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
latest family includes both senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
involved in professional sectors, due to which they obtain less period to spend with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This essay will highlight a major foundation, and a repercussion caused by this situation.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, nowadays money is an essential factor for most humans, and to receive high wages, they work extra hours with less leisure time to spend with the family and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The status of an individual
is determined
by his bank balance and the properties, provided that most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
work
strenuously
to earn the money to enhance their value in the society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
are unavailable for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. To illustrate, a survey taken recently by the Nepal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
Society stated that 39% of the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
suffer from depression or other mental illness, due to a workaholic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
.
Therefore
, allocating time for the minor one is
extremely
significant for any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
, and they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a balanced personal and professional life
otherwise
the impact will be massive.

Furthermore
, without a supervision and a guidance from the elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
, a child has a high potential to involve in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, and inculcate a harmful habit. The minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
innocent, and are unable to acknowledge what is right or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
for them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
such phase is
extremely
crucial, and every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
guide their child to lead a right path, and have a successful life.
For instance
, the Malaysian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
Rights Authority stated that 46% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are engaged
in drug abuse or criminal activities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are always busy with work or other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
Thus
, such issues
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
beforehand, which might have harsh consequences later on.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have the capability to balance their personal,
as well
as professional life and should
constantly
guide and supervise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. A child is the future of the family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
values and habits are
extremely
crucial.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Most modern family have both parents working and as a result children spend less and less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problem can this cause? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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