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More students decided to take a part-time job when they go into universities. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

More students decided to take a part-time job when they go into universities. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? GMj3m
In the modern society, the issue of taking a part-time job when students study at university is a topic of controversy. Although there are some drawbacks of this trend, I would argue that there are far more benefits. On the one hand, there are some negatives when students tend to part-time jobs. To begin with, participating in a part-time job can have some negative effects on students’ health. For example, working in a karaoke bar can make students suffer from ear problems due to noise sounds, or a student working as a carrier is more likely to have back problems. Furthermore, taking part in part-time jobs might negatively affect students’ study performance. This is because these students can be easily attracted to the salary earned from these jobs. As a result, they tend to spend less time studying and thus get lower results. On the other hand, despite the negatives I mentioned above, I believe that these drawbacks are out-weighted by the benefits. First of all, having a part-time job can help university students give real-life work experience. This work experience will help in getting a job after graduation. Because employers look for workers who understand the work environment and work well with their colleagues. Secondly, the money will help university students who have a part-time job become more independent. they will be careful with the salary earned from these jobs. in particular, they can pay their tuition fees, buy the required things, reduce the burden of their study expenses, and not be dependent on their parents. In conclusion, while I recognize some disadvantages of this trend, I still believe that these drawbacks are overshadowed by the benefits of the above-mentioned arguments.
In the modern society, the issue of taking a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
study at university is a topic of controversy. Although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks of this trend, I would argue that there are far more benefits.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
negatives when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
tend to part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, participating in a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
health.
For example
, working in a karaoke bar can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
suffer from ear problems due to noise sounds, or a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
working as a carrier is more likely to have back problems.
Furthermore
, taking part in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
might
negatively
affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
study performance. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can be
easily
attracted to the salary earned from these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
As a result
, they tend to spend less time studying and
thus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
lower results.

On the other hand
, despite the negatives I mentioned above, I believe that these drawbacks are out-weighted by the benefits.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, having a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
give real-life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
after graduation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
employers look for workers who understand the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
environment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
well with their colleagues.
Secondly
, the money will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who have a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
become more independent.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
will be careful with the salary earned from these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
particular, they can pay their tuition fees,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the required things,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the burden of their study expenses, and not be dependent on their parents.

In conclusion
, while I recognize
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages of this trend, I
still
believe that these drawbacks
are overshadowed
by the benefits of the above-mentioned arguments.
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IELTS essay More students decided to take a part-time job when they go into universities. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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