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More and more people are spending a large amount of money to make their appearance look younger? Why do people want to look younger? Do you think it will be bring positive or negative development?

More and more people are spending a large amount of money to make their appearance look younger? Why do people want to look younger? Do you think it will be bring positive or negative development? jRQx8
Due to rapid progression in technologies is introducing a new methods, products and techniques which provide younger looks to humans as compared with past. However, a majority of people are expanding a vast amount of wealth on these techniques to look smaller comparing with their original age. People have great wishes to look young because it’s modern phenomena to illustrates ourself smarter and attractive as well as some job sectors given preference to smart personalities. In my perception it’s negative establishment as it causes of many harmful diseases and wastage of wealth. The main factors of this notion is that today’s world full with competitions and everyone tries to beat each others so that is why a lots of masses give priority to new methods and products which offer them younger appearances because their aim to attract lots of humans upon their beauties and personalities. In addition to this, nowadays many job fields required attractive looks and beautiful faces rather than talents and knowledge as well as more companies judged a candidates by their looks not talent and education. So that is the reason people given preference to utilise huge wealth on these things. Even though, a majority of advertising which published in magazines, newspapers and etcetera related to beauty treatments influenced humans to make themselves younger. For example, a survey conducted by newspaper in 2018, reported that 7 out of 10 masses expanding a most part of their income on such treatments to look smaller with their original periods. Nevertheless, in my prospective it is a dark development because it has reasons of many perilous ailments. Moreover, a vast amount of people apply a variety of beauty cosmetics on their skin sometimes due to these products people suffers from side effects as well as some beauty creams have cause of skin cancer. Furthermore, in present times a large groups of humans is doing surgery on their various body parts but which sometimes creates reactions and side effects for them. For instance, Ayesha takiya a famous Indian Bollywood actress who did surgery of her nose but it surgery was not suitable for her after this operation her nose looked so ugly and it was responsible to damage her filmy career. Apart from this, people thrift more and more amount of their income to make appearance look younger but it is wasting of money because these money should be better spend to full fill other needs. In conclusion, although humans expand huge wealth on beauty cosmetics, surgeries and treatments to look younger but it is harmful for their bodies and creating so many detrimental disease for them.
Due to rapid progression in technologies is introducing a new
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "method"?
methods
, products and techniques which provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
looks
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
as compared with past.
However
, a majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are expanding a vast amount of wealth on these techniques to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
smaller comparing with their original age.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have great wishes to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
young
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Did you mean "its modern phenomena"?
it’s modern phenomena
to illustrates
The term is non-standard and not widely accepted.
ourself
smarter and attractive
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
job sectors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
preference to smart personalities. In my perception it’s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
establishment as it causes of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
harmful diseases and wastage of wealth.

The main factors of this notion is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world
The usual collocation for "full" is "of" not "with". Did you mean "full of"?
full with
competitions and everyone tries to beat each others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that is
why
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a lot" or simply "lots"?
a lots
of masses give priority to new methods and products which offer them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
appearances
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their aim to attract lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
upon their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauties
and personalities.
In addition
to this, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
job fields required attractive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
looks
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
faces
rather
than talents and knowledge
as well
as more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
judged a candidates by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
looks
not talent and education.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that is
the reason
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
preference to
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
huge wealth on these things.
Even though
, a majority of advertising which published in magazines, newspapers and etcetera related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
treatments influenced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
.
For example
, a survey conducted by newspaper in 2018, reported that 7 out of 10 masses expanding a most part of their income on such treatments to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
smaller with their original periods.

Nevertheless
, in my prospective it is a dark development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has reasons of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
perilous ailments.
Moreover
, a vast amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
apply a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
cosmetics on their skin
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
due to these products
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
suffers
from side effects
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
creams have cause of skin cancer.
Furthermore
, in present times a large
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "group"?
groups
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
is doing surgery on their various body parts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
creates reactions and side effects for them.
For instance
, Ayesha
Possible spelling mistake found.
takiya
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
Indian Bollywood actress who did surgery of her nose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
It seems that the possessive pronoun "its" fits better in this context. Please verify.
it
surgery was not suitable for her after this operation her nose looked
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
ugly and it was responsible to damage her filmy career. Apart from this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
thrift more and more amount of their income to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
appearance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is wasting of money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Did you mean "this money" or "these moneys", "these monies"?
these money
should be better spend to full fill other needs.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
expand huge wealth on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
cosmetics, surgeries and treatments to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is harmful for their bodies and creating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
detrimental disease for them.
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IELTS essay More and more people are spending a large amount of money to make their appearance look younger? Why do people want to look younger? Do you think it will be bring positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
436 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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