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More and more children play computer games in their free time. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

More and more children play computer games in their free time. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages? 9rQpn
In contemporary society, it is undoubted that new technologies are leading to changes in young children’s recreational activities. Therefore, increasingly children spend their free time playing video games. From my perspective, the benefits of these trends are more significant than the drawbacks. On the one hand, there are two main strengths of electronic games which children play. Firstly, playing video games is a form of entertainment to reduce stress, and enjoy their time. Due to this fact, a plethora of students feel comfortable by virtue of playing games after long days studying. Secondly, numerous useful skills and necessary qualities can be created by computer games. In light of the fact that it is beneficial for children to interact and join in groups in some matches. For instance, creativity, logical thinking, and fast reflexes which are indispensable skills in the future can be enhanced by playing games. On the other hand, there is also a common drawback behind this trend. Many people believe that if children spend hours playing games, they will become addicted. Therefore, it is easy to lead to deterioration in health such as short-sightedness and hunchback disease. For example, children at school age have damaged eyesight due to playing electronic games for a long time. As a result, when they do not manage time to play well, it is easy to have urgent drawbacks. To sum up, I would argue that the pros of electronic games outweigh the cons when children arrange their time reasonably. Personally, the appearance of computer games has brought certain values for children.
In contemporary society, it
is undoubted
that new technologies are leading to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
recreational activities.
Therefore
,
increasingly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. From my perspective, the benefits of these trends are more significant than the drawbacks.

On the one hand, there are two main strengths of electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is a form of entertainment to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, and enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Due to this fact, a plethora of students feel comfortable by virtue of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
after long days studying.
Secondly
, numerous useful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and necessary qualities can
be created
by computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. In light of the fact that it is beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to interact and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in groups in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
matches.
For instance
, creativity, logical thinking, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
reflexes which are indispensable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in the future can
be enhanced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
games.

On the other hand
, there is
also
a common drawback behind this trend.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they will become addicted.
Therefore
, it is easy to lead to deterioration in health such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
short-sightedness
and hunchback disease.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at school age have damaged eyesight due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
As a result
, when they do not manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to play well, it is easy to have urgent drawbacks.

To sum up, I would argue that the pros of electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
outweigh the cons when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
arrange their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
reasonably
.
Personally
, the appearance of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has brought certain values for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
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IELTS essay More and more children play computer games in their free time. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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