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Money is most in joining particular jon

Money is most in joining particular jon GNDBj
A vast majority of our adult life is spent working; hence it is important that we have an appropriate job that fulfils our aspirations. While financial remuneration is an important factor that attracts individuals towards a specific work, I disagree that it is the most significant factor that makes a job ideal. Firstly, the importance of financial security cannot be undermined in the modern materialistic world. Since a vast majority of people earn their livelihood from their workplace, it will be difficult for individuals with single source of income, to make their ends meet, from underpaying jobs. Thus underpaid employees, because of their financial burdens, may not be able to offer dedication and commitment at workplace, which in turn results in under-performance. Secondly, the educated refrain from being employed in underpaying jobs, as these are less attractive. Hence the remuneration associated, is an important factor that determines the value of a particular job. On the other hand, to glorify higher earning as the sole determiner of an ideal job is incorrect. This is because various other factors like work and life balance; working place culture and adequate recognition contribute towards satisfaction and contentment in work. Thus an astronomically higher paying job with a demanding employer, with poor social life in a tedious work place environment will lead to higher job dissatisfaction, which in turn will also promote higher attrition. Henceforth, it can be stated that apart from financial remuneration, which is a major determiner of a good occupation, job satisfaction is also an equally important associated factor that determines the value of a specific job.
A vast majority of our adult life
is spent
working;
hence
it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
that we have an appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
that
Possible spelling mistake found.
fulfils
our aspirations. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
remuneration is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
that attracts individuals towards a specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, I disagree that it is the most significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
ideal.

Firstly
, the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
security cannot
be undermined
in the modern materialistic world. Since a vast majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
earn their livelihood from their workplace, it will be difficult for individuals with single source of income, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
, from underpaying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Thus
underpaid employees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
burdens, may not be able to offer dedication and commitment at workplace, which in turn results in under-performance.
Secondly
, the educated refrain from
being employed
in underpaying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, as these are less attractive.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
the remuneration associated, is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
that determines the value of a particular job.

On the other hand
, to glorify higher earning as the sole determiner of an ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is incorrect. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
various other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and life balance; working place culture and adequate recognition contribute towards satisfaction and contentment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
an
astronomically
higher paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
with a demanding employer, with poor social life in a tedious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
place environment will lead to higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
dissatisfaction, which in turn will
also
promote higher attrition.

Henceforth, it can
be stated
that apart from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
remuneration, which is a major determiner of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
occupation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction is
also
an
equally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
associated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
that determines the value of a specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
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IELTS essay Money is most in joining particular jon

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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