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Many young people travel to different countries. DO you think this has more advantages or disadvantages for them?

Many young people travel to different countries. DO you think this has more advantages or disadvantages for them? Jodd5
Travelling has become easy in this modern era due to the internet as well as social media has turned our world into a small village. Also, youngsters love to explore multifarious places of various countries. I believe that it has more positive sides for modern youth and I will discuss the benefits of travelling in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with, flying to different countries has various advantages. For example, individuals aware about a nation's history by visiting there and exploring multifarious tourist attractions. In addition, they get travelling experience to share some of the memories with their coming generations as well as aware how people spend their life in different countries. Moreover, some business is also run by travelling as employees fly to attend the work meeting and they joint with the foreign companies to expand their business worldwide, so they get profit in their field by a business tour. Moreover, the students also get benefits from commuting to an another country. For instance, pupils get study burden during their secondary education and they want to get rid of it, but when they accomplish their schooling they opt to travel as it relaxes their mind and they obtain academic information by visiting in various cultures, which insists them in further study as some students choose history subjects in the future. What is more, modern youth has become more aware, intelligent, and independent by travelling rather than ancient time. In conclusion, people always willing to travel for getting out their body from stress. Also, they can spend their precious time alone, which insists them to decide that what they want in their hectic life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Travelling
has become easy in this modern era due to the internet
as well
as social media has turned our world into a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
village.
Also
, youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to explore multifarious places of various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. I believe that it has more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides for modern youth and I will discuss the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
in the upcoming paragraphs.

To commence with, flying to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
has various advantages.
For example
, individuals aware about a nation's history by visiting there and exploring multifarious tourist attractions.
In addition
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
experience to share
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
memories with their coming generations
as well
as aware how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend their life in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
business is
also
run by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
as employees
fly
to attend the work
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
meeting and
they joint with the foreign
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to expand their business worldwide,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
profit in their field by a business tour.

Two successive sentences begin with the same adverb. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
Moreover
, the students
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefits from commuting to an another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
For instance
, pupils
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
study burden during their secondary
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
education and
they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when they accomplish their schooling they opt to travel as it relaxes their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
mind and
they obtain academic information by visiting in various cultures, which insists them in
further
study as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
students choose history subjects in the future.
What is more
, modern youth has become more aware, intelligent, and independent by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
rather
than ancient time.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
always willing to travel for getting out their body from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
Also
, they can spend their precious time alone, which insists them to decide that what they want in their hectic life.
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IELTS essay Many young people travel to different countries. DO you think this has more advantages or disadvantages for them?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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