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Some people think that hard work and determination bring success. Others think other factors such as money and good appearance are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion?..........................................7

Some people think that hard work and determination bring success. Others think other factors such as money and good appearance are more important. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 xmMMo
While some people believe that wealth and attractive appearance are the keys to success, I am of the opinion that conscientiousness and resoluteness are more crucial to become an accomplished person. There are several reasons to believe that money and personal appearance are important factors that contribute to a desired outcome. Firstly, people from affluent families seem to have access to better educational systems as well as potential relationships. As a result, they are offered more opportunities to develop themselves and progress in their career. For example, money enables them to study abroad which could be a plus point in their resume and make them an outstanding candidate in the competitive labour market. Secondly, in this day and age, people tend to judge others by their appearance or style. Therefore, having a good-looking face or a confident body posture are increasingly vital on the way to success, especially in some jobs that beauty is deemed at a top priority such as entertainment, fashion and so on. On the other hand, it is a fact that not everyone is fortunate enough to be born in a wealthy family or possess a beautiful appearance and it does not mean that they are inferior to others. Through hard work, we gain precious experience in almost every aspect of life. For instance, a diligent student practicing several tasks and assignments is less likely to get the risk of repeating the same mistakes, which may lead to a higher score. Furthermore, major success seldom comes without determination since it enables us to persist despites any hurdles and setbacks. An obvious case in point is Thomas Edison, who had conducted countless experiments and also failed thousands of times before finally inventing a working light bulb. In conclusion, although things like money and appearance do have an influence on personal achievement, I believe that they cannot rival hard work and perseverance on the way to success.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that wealth and attractive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
are the keys to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
, I am of the opinion that conscientiousness and resoluteness are more crucial to become an accomplished person.

There are several reasons to believe that money and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors that contribute to a desired outcome.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from affluent families seem to have access to better educational systems
as well
as potential relationships.
As a result
, they
are offered
more opportunities to develop themselves and progress in their career.
For example
, money enables them to study abroad which could be a plus point in their resume and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them an outstanding candidate in the competitive
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market.
Secondly
, in this day and age,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to judge others by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
or style.
Therefore
, having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
-looking face or a confident body posture are
increasingly
vital on the way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
,
especially
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs that beauty
is deemed
at a top priority such as entertainment, fashion and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

On the other hand
, it is a fact that not everyone is fortunate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
be born
in a wealthy family or possess a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
and it does not mean that they are inferior to others. Through
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work, we gain precious experience in almost every aspect of life.
For instance
, a diligent student practicing several tasks and assignments is less likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of repeating the same mistakes, which may lead to a higher score.
Furthermore
, major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
seldom
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
without determination since it enables us to persist
Possible spelling mistake found.
despites
any hurdles and setbacks. An obvious case in point is Thomas Edison, who had conducted countless experiments and
also
failed thousands of times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
finally
inventing a working light bulb.

In conclusion
, although things like money and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
do have an influence on personal achievement, I believe that they cannot rival
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and perseverance on the way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
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IELTS essay Some people think that hard work and determination bring success. Others think other factors such as money and good appearance are more important. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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