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Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend?

Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend? VoYD
With time people are becoming more and more mechanical in their lives. They are mostly either into their own work or are taking time off to watch digital media, this has made their lives boring and monotonous. To disengage themselves people are now undertaking extreme sports and activities to add some kind of adventure to their lives. People like the thrill while going for gliding, mountain climbing etc. This type of adventure and exposure makes them realize what life is outside their work. Although, these activities are endangering and life-risking for people but if done under proper supervision and care this can be an experience of a life time. I can confidently say so as I have been on an adventurous trek to Kheerganga with a fellow classmate of mine and the that was one of the most beautiful journey that I have been through. These activities make wonderful memories to look back to. This change in people to experience adventure and risk is necessary as it inculcates a habit of exploring nature more closely. Extreme sports such as sky-diving or cliff jumping actually teach us to let go of our greatest fears. Obviously, to participate in such activities we must first train ourselves by professionals, also these activities must be done only after ensuring one's safety. So, in my opinion, one must surely try at least one sport or activity, such as scuba-diving, or mountain climbing to feel the thrill that has been taken away from us in our daily, dull routine lives
With time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming more and more mechanical in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. They are
mostly
either into their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
work or are taking time off to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
digital media, this has made their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
boring and monotonous. To disengage themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
undertaking extreme sports and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of adventure to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
like the thrill while going for gliding, mountain climbing etc. This type of adventure and exposure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them realize what life is outside their work.

Although, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are endangering and life-risking for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if done under proper supervision and care this can be an experience of a
Did you mean "lifetime"?
life time
. I can
confidently
say
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
as I have been on an adventurous trek to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kheerganga
with a
Consider using "classmate".
fellow classmate
of mine and the that was one of the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
journey that I have been through. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
wonderful memories to look back to. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to experience adventure and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
is necessary as it inculcates a habit of exploring nature more
closely
.

Extreme sports such as sky-diving or cliff jumping actually teach us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
go of our greatest fears.
Obviously
, to participate in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
first
train ourselves by professionals,
also
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be done
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
after ensuring one's safety.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, in my opinion, one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
surely
try at least one sport or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, such as scuba-diving, or mountain climbing to feel the thrill that has
been taken
away from us in our daily, dull routine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
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IELTS essay Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
253 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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