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Many people hold the view that celebrities and sport stars get paid too much money for doing a job that could be considered to be a hobby. Do you agree or disagree with this view?

Many people hold the view that celebrities and sport stars get paid too much money for doing a job that could be considered to be a hobby. with this view? GLgxw
Presently, living standard of people increases much more than in the past and people spends more and more money on entertainment such as watching sports or listening to live music. While some people hold the view that the amount of money that paid for celebrities and sport stars is worthy, I believe that humans should use that money for other meaningful activities. There are several reasons why people think pay too much funds for entertainment is reasonable. To begin, everyone has demand to relax after working hours. Therefore, using a part of their results for this purpose is understandable. For instance, going to a music show or buying a ticket to a football match is a suitable present for people and it is a good medicine to their mood. In addition, almost stars in sports and arts are talented and they were also taught by professional classes. They are the same as the others, must use their talent that the others do not have to work for livings, therefore, their money and fame is meritorious. A typical example is Charlie Puth – one of the most well-known singers, he has awfully exceptional ears and a specially musical thought. In other hand, I trust that there are many things need to be invested than entertainment. Firstly, the inequality between living standard of people in different regions is rising. For example, while students in the developed country are able to go to school for free, almost African children have no change to studying because of the lack of schools and teachers. the truth is this problem hardly appear on TV or social medias which are filled by music videos and films. Secondly, pouring too much money into some people causes more gaps between the rich and the poor. In Las Vegas, where is named a paradise of parties and casinos, there are many homeless people are living on the streets by begging money from passers-by. While the charity organizations are trying to help more and more people, someone are becoming more and more rich. In conclusion, although demand for relaxing is need to be adapt, I concede that it should be limited while other activities are more indispensable and meaningful to entire humans race.
Presently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
increases much more than in the past and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
spends
more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on entertainment such as watching sports or listening to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
music. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hold the view that the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
that paid for celebrities and sport stars is worthy, I believe that humans should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
meaningful activities.

There are several reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
pay too
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
funds for entertainment is reasonable. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, everyone has demand to relax after working hours.
Therefore
, using a part of their results for this purpose is understandable.
For instance
, going to a music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
or buying a ticket to a football match is a suitable present for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
medicine to their mood.
In addition
, almost stars in sports and arts are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
talented and
they were
also
taught by professional classes. They are the same as the others,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their talent that the others do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
livings
,
therefore
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and fame is meritorious. A typical example is Charlie
Possible spelling mistake found.
Puth
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
one of the most well-known singers, he has awfully exceptional ears and a
specially
musical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
.

In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I trust that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things need to
be invested
than entertainment.
Firstly
, the inequality between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
regions is rising.
For example
, while students in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed country
are able to go to school for free, almost African children have no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
to studying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the lack of schools and teachers.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
truth is this problem hardly appear on TV or social medias which
are filled
by music videos and films.
Secondly
, pouring too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
causes
more gaps between the rich and the poor. In Las Vegas, where
is named
a paradise of parties and casinos, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
on the streets by begging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from passers-by. While the charity organizations are trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, someone
The pronoun 'someone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "is", "was", "were".
are
becoming more and more rich.

In conclusion
, although demand for relaxing
is need
to be
Consider using a past participle here: "adapted".
adapt
, I concede that it should
be limited
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
activities are more indispensable and meaningful to entire humans race.
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IELTS essay Many people hold the view that celebrities and sport stars get paid too much money for doing a job that could be considered to be a hobby. with this view?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
372 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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