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Many people feel that subjects like a music and art removed from school cirrulum. Do you agree or disagree?

Many people feel that subjects like a music and art removed from school cirrulum. 8bj5
Beyond doubt in most school, youngsters thought in science subjects. Some sections of society put forward the idea that not common subjects like art and music pulled out from school syllabus. Personally, I agree with this statement and this essay will discuss both sides of this phenomenon before a proper conclusion is drown. The supporters of the view that subjects called music and art are stopped to thought for pupils, have a number of points in favour of their viewpoint. To begin with, the world is developing noticeably day by day. So, most youngsters prefer to gain some knowledge about science subjects, such as mathematics, physics, chemistry and etc. The reason why children picking up these subjects, they feel that it would be more necessary in their future life. Secondly, according to notions of local residents, these subjects known as art and music, is only waste of school children's precise time. To explain, a large proportion of students wants to work as a health expert, tutor, bank assistant and other type of jobs, whose work related to educate, treat deceases, counting and etc. Finally, according to aforementioned points as the interest of children to these subjects decreasing, so the tutor's salary would lower. To give a better idea, most of these teachers change their career to another one. Nevertheless, those who support the opinion that these subjects are not decreasing but remained steady, offer a variety reasons to justify their idea. First of all, the subjects named art and music are believed to play a great role to boost the imagination of youngsters, which is really important to every person of society. To explain, in art lessons teachers teach pupils to drawing pictures as well as paint them in correctly, since that students in order to do such activities use their imagination. Secondly, the school students, who are good at in this subjects are known to has a pleasant behavior. To illustrate, that boys and girls never will disturb their teachers during the lesson. In conclusion, discussing aforementioned views now we can point out that even the science subjects are more integral to individuals in their career, we should not ignore a big role of art and music subjects. Because of, after difficult lesson, psychologists suggest to school children listen to music or draw some kind of picture.
Beyond doubt in most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
in science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
sections of society put forward the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that not common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
pulled out from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
syllabus.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and this essay will discuss both sides of this phenomenon
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
a proper conclusion is
Consider using a past participle here: "drowned".
drown
.

The supporters of the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
called
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
for pupils, have a number of points in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of their viewpoint. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the world is developing
noticeably
day by day.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, most youngsters prefer to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
knowledge about science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, such as mathematics, physics, chemistry
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
. The reason why children picking up these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, they feel that it would be more necessary in their future life.
Secondly
, according to notions of local residents, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
known as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
children's precise time. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
, a large proportion of students wants to work as a health expert, tutor, bank assistant and other type of jobs, whose work related to educate, treat deceases, counting
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
.
Finally
, according to aforementioned points as the interest of children to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
decreasing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the tutor's salary would lower. To give a better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, most of these teachers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their career to another one.

Nevertheless
, those who support the opinion that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are not decreasing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
remained steady, offer a variety reasons to justify their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
named
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are believed
to play a great role to boost the imagination of youngsters, which is
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to every person of society. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
lessons teachers teach pupils to drawing pictures
as well
as paint them in
correctly
, since that students in order to do such activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their imagination.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
students, who are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at in
Did you mean "these"?
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are known
to
The verb after "to" should be in the base form: "have".
has
a pleasant behavior. To illustrate, that boys and girls
The adverb 'never' is usually put between 'will' and 'disturb'.
never will disturb
their teachers during the lesson.

In conclusion
, discussing aforementioned views
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
we can point out that even the science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are more integral to individuals in their career, we should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of, after difficult lesson, psychologists suggest to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
children listen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
or draw
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of picture.

IELTS essay Many people feel that subjects like a music and art removed from school cirrulum.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
388 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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