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Many people believe that we have become a 'disposable' society. Give reasons and problems this can cause v.1

Many people believe that we have become a 'disposable' society. Give reasons and problems this can cause v. 1
Music and other forms of art have been an important part of many societies around the world. Some argue that these features of arts are vital for many cultures and the individuals, as it could assist in improving the mental conditions, and can support the overall health development of many. To begin with, music is such an important subject for many peoples because they believe that it can help in connecting with the inner emotions, which can aid in treating people with mental issues, and this approach could break the barrier between the patient and the doctor. Moreover, it can help the health professionals to map the underlying medical conditions easily, and treat them accordingly. For example, many therapists use relaxation music to ease the anxiety in patients, and as a result, it becomes easier for them to navigate, when determining their health conditions. On the other hand, other art forms such as; painting and stage performance have proven to be very effective with young people. These types of arts are increasing in schools because it helps students to develop their creativity, and hence, it can improve their overall mental development. Some believe that many students suffer from psychological, due to study pressure or family problems, if they undertake these activities than those effects could reduce significantly, as these art forms allow them to express their emotions. Aside from this, it can provide them with the skill-set, like communication, confidence, and patience through this art medium, which could assist them in their work life. In conclusion, any art form is vital for many societies and individuals because it can help them to develop better overall health, and to improve the mental health. It allows them to express their views and emotions through these types of arts.
Music and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forms
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
have been an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
societies around the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that these features of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are vital for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cultures and the individuals, as it could assist in improving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
conditions, and can support the
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
development of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, music is such an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
subject for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
peoples
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they believe that it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in connecting with the inner emotions, which can aid in treating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
issues, and this approach could break the barrier between the patient and the doctor.
Moreover
, it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
professionals to map the underlying medical conditions
easily
, and treat them
accordingly
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
therapists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
relaxation music to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
the anxiety in patients, and
as a result
, it becomes easier for them to navigate, when determining their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
conditions.

On the other hand
, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forms
such as; painting and stage performance have proven to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
effective with young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. These types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are increasing in schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
students to develop their creativity, and
hence
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
development.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students suffer from psychological, due to study pressure or family problems, if they undertake these activities than those effects could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
significantly
, as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forms
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to express their emotions. Aside from this, it can provide them with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
-set, like communication, confidence, and patience through this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
medium, which could assist them in their work life.

In conclusion
, any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
form
is vital for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
societies and individuals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to develop better
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to express their views and emotions through these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people believe that we have become a 'disposable' society. Give reasons and problems this can cause v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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