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Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness, while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors. Discuss both views and include your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and examples from your experience.

Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness, while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors. n6dNl
Nowadays, Happiness play vital role in our life. Different People feel happiness for different reason. A number of people believe that Happiness depends on themselves. while Other believe that happiness depends factors such as financial status and success. My perspective, I reckon in the following subsequent Paragraphs, I will describe my opinion also elaborate the related example. On the one Hand, Happiness is varied person to person, Moreover, Happiness never buy with money. In instances, Most rich People buy everything through money. Furthermore, I have one Rich friend. She have many expansive things and she also, wear bands cloth on the contrary, she was alone she have no siblings as well as her parents given every things but they can not spend time to each other. She was not sharing feelings with parents. She was faced number of lack confident as well as stress. likewise, She told me, I was crying every night as well as I feel alone. Some people work every time then they miss life of happiness. However, a number of people earn low a happier then rich person because they spend time with family as well as friends and also they find joy in small thing and satisfied with their lives because of their positive attitude and confident level. On the other hand, A number of people thinking that happiness is dependent on their other factors. For example, You are poor and you can not provide necessary as well as you can not fulfil requirement your family. In addition, We know family is essential for all and people to live happily with their family but how a poor person live happy if one of his family members is not well and he can not afford his/ her treatment which affects his happiness. In conclusion, Happiness depends on yourself. You have power and you can busy your requirement through money but you can not buy happiness. However, Without happiness you have not required better life.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
play vital role in our life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Different
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People
feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
reason. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
depends on themselves.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Other
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depends on".
depends
factors such as financial status and success. My perspective, I reckon in the following subsequent Paragraphs, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
my opinion
also
elaborate the related example. On the one Hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
is varied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
,
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
with money. In instances, Most rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
everything through money.
Furthermore
, I have one Rich friend. She
The pronoun 'She' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "has", "had".
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
expansive
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
things and
she
also
, wear bands cloth
on the contrary
, she was alone she
The pronoun 'she' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "has", "had".
have
no siblings as
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well
as her parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
every things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can not spend time to each
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other
. She was not sharing feelings with parents.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
She
was faced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of lack confident as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
likewise
, She
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me, I was crying every night as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as I feel alone.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work every time then they miss life of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
However
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
earn low a happier
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
then
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spend time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as friends and
also
they find joy in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
thing and satisfied with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude and confident level. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
thinking that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is dependent on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors.
For example
, You are poor and you can not provide necessary as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as you can not fulfil requirement your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
In addition
, We know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is essential for all and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
happily
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
how a poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
happy if one of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members is not
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
well and
he can not afford his/ her treatment which affects his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
depends on yourself. You have power and you can busy your requirement through money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
you can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
However
, Without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
you have not required better life.
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IELTS essay Many people believe that individuals are responsible for their own happiness, while others think happiness is dependent on other external factors.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
328 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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