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Many of the students work while studying.

Many of the students work while studying. m2w7A
Many of the students work while studying. This can result in not enough time for education and usually feeling nervous about both study and work. I totally agree with this opinion, if someone trying to do two jobs in same time, this person mostly unsuccessful about both of these jobs. First problem is lack of money. Everyone should equal rights about education but there are too many colleges which is expensive and can be higher than some of families’ budget. But if someone can get this opportunity, government or school should give them a scholarship for their books and other stuffs about education. Second problem is about students’ social needs. Most of the students, especially who lives without their parents, can not afford their social needs because sometimes they can be expensive if they want to go on a even short time holiday. In my opinion, government, colleges or other charities, which works for poor people, can give a card, which consist money in it, or they can create app or card which gives gifts or special prices about social needs. For instance, if someone wants to go cinema or theatre, this person can use one of these cards and can get a special offers. This special offers don't need to be ‘’free cinema or theatre ticket’’, they can be ‘’half price of ticket or ‘’one month bus ticket for 3 theatre tickets’’. To summarize, students should not work while they are studying. It can be distractive for their subjects. And the most important thing is their mental and phsical health, then the second important thing is their subjects. But if they work while they are studying, it may not be good for their life and health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while studying. This can result in not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for education and
usually
feeling nervous about both study and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion, if someone trying to do two jobs in same time, this person
mostly
unsuccessful about both of these jobs.

First
problem is lack of money. Everyone should equal rights about education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
colleges which is expensive and can be higher than
After 'some of', you should use 'the' ("some of the families") or simply say "some families".
some of families
’ budget.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
if someone can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
this opportunity,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
or school should give them a scholarship for their books and other stuffs about education.

Second problem is about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
. Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
especially
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
without their parents, can not afford their social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they can be expensive if they want to go on
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
even short time holiday. In my opinion,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, colleges or other charities, which works for poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, can give a card, which consist money in it, or they can create app or card which gives gifts or special prices about social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
.
For instance
, if someone wants to go cinema or
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
, this person can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
one of these cards and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a special offers. This special offers don't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to be ‘’free cinema or
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
ticket’’, they can be ‘’half price of ticket or ‘’one month bus ticket for 3
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
tickets’’.

To summarize
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while they are studying. It can be
Possible spelling mistake found.
distractive
for their subjects. And the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is their mental and
Possible spelling mistake found.
phsical
health, then the second
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is their subjects.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while they are studying, it may not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their life and health.
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You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Many of the students work while studying.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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