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Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? 38nY
It is true that museums are educational places for people in society. However, nowadays, people have to be charged the entry fee to enter many museums. From my perspective, although this phenomenon can cause negative effects, it still has more advantages. To begin with, it is undeniable that the prices of tickets bring some detrimental impacts to societies and museums. For society aspects, citizens are discouraged to visit museums and have fewer opportunities to access new information and knowledge about sciences, arts, histories, music and many other essential subjects, also because of tickets' prices, many poverty cannot afford such amount. For museum aspects, they not only cannot attain one of their objectives which aim to educate the public through visiting there but also the museums may suffer the risk of insufficient funding from customers, therefore, have to close down. On the other hand, such a vital role does admission fee play in museums' financial facets. Museums will have money to operate their personal costs, equipment, water and electronic bills. Besides the aforementioned, museums will obtain the revenues to improve and upgrade their places, for example, to renew the exhibits, and information also the outdoor environments make them look good and keep the indoor floors are clean so as to attract more foreign tourists and local inhabitants. In conclusion, despite the fact that the museum ticket sales have some demerits must not be ignored; however, I personally believe that museums should not be free for all as long as good management and efficient development still can bring large benefits for society.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are educational places for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
However
, nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be charged
the entry fee to enter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
. From my perspective, although this phenomenon can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects, it
still
has more advantages.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is undeniable that the prices of tickets bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
detrimental impacts to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
aspects, citizens
are discouraged
to visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
and have fewer opportunities to access new information and knowledge about sciences, arts, histories, music and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other essential subjects,
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of tickets' prices,
Possible agreement error. The noun poverty seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much poverty", "a good deal of poverty".
many poverty
cannot afford such amount. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
aspects, they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
cannot attain one of their objectives which aim to educate the public through visiting there
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
may suffer the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of insufficient funding from customers,
therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
close down.

On the other hand
, such a vital role does admission fee play in museums' financial facets.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museums
will have money to operate their personal costs, equipment, water and electronic bills.
Besides
the aforementioned,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
will obtain the revenues to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
and upgrade their places,
for example
, to renew the exhibits, and information
also
the outdoor environments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them look
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the indoor floors are clean
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
attract more foreign tourists and local inhabitants.

In conclusion
, despite the fact that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
ticket sales have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
;
however
, I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
should not be free for all as long as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
management and efficient development
still
can bring large benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
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IELTS essay Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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