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Many high school students take part time jobs. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

Many high school students take part time jobs. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? pqg2
At/Among/To many cultures, adolescents are encouraged to work part time. But this is a phenomenon that is not universally encouraged, as many people feel such an arrangement has drawbacks. This essay will look at the advantages and disadvantages associated among/to/with working high school students. On the one hand, students who work part time gain business exposure and learn to handle money. For example, companies like McDonald’s often hire high school students to work their front cash registers. For these young adults, they are learning both how to deal among/below/with people in a professional way and how to transact money. As these sorts of hands on abilities are not taught in schools, it is clear that several advantages derive from/to/towards students working part time. However, on the other hand, students who choose to work during their high school years spend time away from their studies and may be exposed to dangerous situations. For instance, I remember as a student once working by/within/in a restaurant in an underdeveloped part of my city. The clientele often had serious personal problems, such as drug and alcohol addiction. To make matters worse, I worked so many weekly hours at this restaurant that my school grades started to suffer. As this experience shows, there are several disadvantages that can befall working students. Following this look, it can be concluded that part time work among students should be engaged on/for/by a case-by-case basis. So long as a working arrangement does not infringe upon a student’s safety or their grades, it is recommended that part time work be pursued by/from/to all adolescent people
At/Among/To
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cultures, adolescents
are encouraged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
this is a phenomenon
that is
not
universally
encouraged, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel such an arrangement has drawbacks. This essay will look at the advantages and disadvantages associated among/to/with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
students.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
gain business exposure and learn to handle money.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
like McDonald’s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
hire high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
their front cash registers. For these young adults, they are learning both how to deal among/below/with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Consider replacing "in a professional way" with the adverb for "professional"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a professional way
and how to transact money. As these sorts of hands on abilities are not taught in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that several advantages derive from/to/towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
.

However
,
on the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
during their high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
years spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
away from their studies and may
be exposed
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
situations.
For instance
, I remember as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
once
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
by/within/in a restaurant in an underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of my city. The clientele
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
had serious personal problems, such as drug and alcohol addiction. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
matters worse, I worked
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
weekly hours at this restaurant that my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
grades
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to suffer. As this experience
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, there are several disadvantages that can befall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
students.

Following this look, it can
be concluded
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
be engaged
on/for/by a case-by-case basis.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
long as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
arrangement does not infringe upon a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
safety or their grades, it
is recommended
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
be pursued
by/from/to all adolescent
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
people
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IELTS essay Many high school students take part time jobs. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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