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Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. G2Ex
Nowadays, most children have unhealthy habits due to an increase in the standard of living. Children are more likely to ruin their health by spending long hours in front of the television, not taking exercise, and eating an unbalanced diet. In my opinion, I believe that families and institutions of education are equally responsible when it comes to addressing this issue, and they can do a lot of effort to reduce this problem. On one hand, parents are those who take the main responsibility for children's growth without any iota of doubt. The first reason is that parents’ ways to teach their children have a huge impact on their lifestyle. For example, Emirati parents give their children a daily allowance. As a consequence, what they pay to drink and eat every day can lead them to sickness. To illustrate, they do not eat healthy food such as sugar, cheese, and junk food thus can become their daily habits. The second reason is that children’s activities are a mirror of their parents once since the young usually have to follow what adults do. If adults do not take care of themselves, the young people will ignore their health as well. On the other hand, schools also are in charge of dealing with this problem. Firstly, children easily get affected by their education atmosphere. They are not adults enough to know what is right and incorrect. Furthermore, some boys can copy their friend’s bad habits like smoking, which can lead to serious illness and diseases. Secondly, some regulations in schools can cause health problems for children. For example, the first period is too early for them. As a result, students usually get sleepy and do not focus. Not only it has a negative influence on their education but also their healthy lifestyle. To sum up, both parents and schools participate to build children's lifestyles. Both parents and institutions of education should be careful of their behaviors because parents are the first teachers for them, and schools are playing a huge part in their lifestyle.
Nowadays, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have unhealthy habits due to an increase in the standard of living.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are more likely to ruin their health by spending long hours in front of the television, not taking exercise, and eating an unbalanced diet. In my opinion, I believe that families and institutions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
are
equally
responsible when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to addressing this issue, and they can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this problem.

On one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are those who take the main responsibility for children's growth without any iota of doubt. The
first
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
ways to teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a huge impact on their lifestyle.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Emirati
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
give their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a daily allowance. As a consequence, what they pay to drink and eat every day can lead them to sickness. To illustrate, they do not eat healthy food such as sugar, cheese, and junk food
thus
can become their daily habits. The second reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
activities are a mirror of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
once since the young
usually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
follow what adults do. If adults do not take care of themselves, the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
their health
as well
.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
also
are in charge of dealing with this problem.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
atmosphere. They are not adults
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to know what is right and incorrect.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
boys can copy their friend’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits like smoking, which can lead to serious illness and diseases.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
regulations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can cause health problems for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For example
, the
first
period is too early for them.
As a result
, students
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sleepy and do not focus. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their healthy lifestyle.

To sum up, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
participate to build children's lifestyles. Both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and institutions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
should be careful of their behaviors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
first
teachers for them, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are playing a huge part in their lifestyle.
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IELTS essay Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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