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Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so?

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so? 7o2A
Large number of children are inspired by their parents to get a temporary job in their extra time. This execrise has benefits such as, children earn money for their hand expense and they can develop vocal skill. On the other hand, they can have bad impact on their study and unable to spend more time with their parents as drawbacks of it. There are main two primary advantages why parents are motivating their children to do part time job. Firstly, children can earn money by their own for their daily expenses. As a result, they can help their family by reducing own expenses from their parents' monthly costing. Secondly, they can develop vocal skill, which required them after their graduation, at schooling days. Consequently, those children may have more chances to hire easily as they have convey their thoughts more smartly to others. Overall, it could develop sharing nature and speaking ability in children. On the other side there are couple of disadvantages too of temporary job on children. First one, they can direct from their studies. This is because they more focus on earning money rather than education. As a result, they may not go for higher education and left their study. Second one, they unable to give time to their family. The reason behind this, they become extremely confine in their hactic daily schedule as they have to give time to study and job. As a result, they loose the bonding from their parents and feel lonely. Thus, it seems part-time job could runine children's studies and social life. To conclude, motivating children to do part-time work in free time by their parents could help they in two ways, they can start earning by their own and aquire vocal skill. However, it spoils their studies and unable to give more time to their family which are drawbacks of doing so.
Large number of
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children
are inspired
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a temporary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in their extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This
Possible spelling mistake found.
execrise
has benefits such as,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
earn money for their hand
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
expense and
they can develop vocal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.
On the other hand
, they can have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and unable to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as drawbacks of it.

There are main two primary advantages why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are motivating their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can earn money by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
for their daily expenses.
As a result
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their family by reducing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
expenses from their parents' monthly costing.
Secondly
, they can develop vocal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
, which required them after their graduation, at schooling days.
Consequently
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may have more chances to hire
easily
as they have
Use past participle here: "conveyed".
convey
their thoughts more
smartly
to others.
Overall
, it could develop sharing nature and speaking ability in children.

On the other side there are
It seems that an article is missing.
couple of
disadvantages too of temporary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
First
one, they can direct from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they more focus on earning money
rather
than education.
As a result
, they may not go for higher education and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
. Second one,
Did you mean "they are" or "they were"?
they
unable to give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their family. The reason behind this, they become
extremely
confine in their
Possible spelling mistake found.
hactic
daily schedule as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
As a result
, they loose the bonding from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and feel lonely.
Thus
, it seems part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
could
Possible spelling mistake found.
runine
children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and social life.

To conclude
, motivating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do part-time work in free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
they in two ways, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
earning by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
aquire
vocal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.
However
, it spoils their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and unable to give more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their family which are drawbacks of doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
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IELTS essay Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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