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Leisure time spent by men and women according to emploment status

Leisure time spent by men and women according to emploment status 7abXY
The amount of time spent by men and women of differentemployment status were provided bellow. In general, the data form both sex showed unemployed and retired groups enjoy their leisure time more than others. Men without job either unemployed or retired used about 85 hours per week to enjoy their leisure time which is 35 hours higher than men with full time job. Similar pattern also found in women which is jobless women use about 75 hours per weeks for relaxation, which is 20, 35 and 37 hours higher than housewives, part time and full time employee respectively. Additionally, the data also showed that all part time employees were women. In conclusion, the amount of time used by men or women to satisfy themself depend on employment status. High work rate has consequences in less time available for relaxation
The amount of
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time
spent by
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men
and
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women
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
differentemployment
status

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were
provided bellow.
In general
, the data form both
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sex


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showed
unemployed and retired

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
groups
enjoy their leisure
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time
more than others.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Men
without job either unemployed or retired
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
about 85
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hours
per week to enjoy their leisure
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time
which is 35
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hours
higher than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
with full
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time
job. Similar
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pattern


also
found in
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women
which is jobless women

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use
about 75
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hours
per weeks for relaxation, which is 20, 35 and 37
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hours
higher than housewives, part
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time
and full
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time
employee
respectively
.
Additionally
, the data
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that all part
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time
employees were
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women
.
In conclusion
, the amount of
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time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men


or
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women
to satisfy
The term is non-standard and not widely accepted.
themself
depend on employment status. High work rate has consequences in less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
available for
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
relaxation

IELTS essay Leisure time spent by men and women according to emploment status

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
138 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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