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Large shopping malls are replacing small local shops. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Large shopping malls are replacing small local shops. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? GNPWm
The number of large shopping centers is increasing which results in that traditional shops may lose popularity. There are both positive and negative impacts of the trend. However, I would argue that the development of supermarkets have more advantages than the decline in the number of local shops. On the one hand, as more people tend to shop at large malls, local markets are suffering from lack of customers. Due to the fact that there are more choices of what to buy in supermarkets people prefer local markets less than before. Consequently, shop owners cannot make a profit in that they speculate on shops and they are being shut down which leaves the shopkeepers out of work and with almost no fortune. On the other hand, I believe that there are several advantages of the growth in the number of supermarkets. Firstly, shopping malls have products available under one roof from competing organizations. For instance, the largest supermarket in my hometown offers different types of "Nivea" and "Oriflame" products at the same time and makes it easier to compare for customers and purchase them. Moreover, malls provide a number facilities such as parking, food courts and entertainment zones. As a result, people prefer to go to large shopping malls to buy high quality of products and they enjoy a wide variety of opportunities. To sum up, in spite of some problems the development of malls may create, I consider it is a positive trend as customers can be encouraged by similar products from different brands and a lot of convenience.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of large shopping centers is increasing which results in that traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
may lose popularity. There are both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts of the trend.
However
, I would argue that the development of supermarkets have more advantages than the decline in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of local shops.

On the one hand, as more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
at large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
, local markets are suffering from lack of customers. Due to the fact that there are more choices of what to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
in supermarkets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer local markets less than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
owners cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a profit in that they speculate on
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
shops and
they are
being shut
down which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
the shopkeepers out of work and with almost no fortune.

On the other hand
, I believe that there are several advantages of the growth in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of supermarkets.
Firstly
, shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
available under one roof from competing organizations.
For instance
, the largest supermarket in my hometown offers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Nivea
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
and
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Possible spelling mistake found.
Oriflame
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
at the same time and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it easier to compare for customers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
them.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
provide a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
facilities such as parking, food courts and entertainment zones.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer to go to large shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
high quality of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
products and
they enjoy a wide variety of opportunities.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
may create, I consider it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend as customers can
be encouraged
by similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
brands and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
convenience.
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IELTS essay Large shopping malls are replacing small local shops. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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