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It is often said that nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their career. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children?

It is often said that nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their career. with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children? pRX8w
The world is becoming more competitive compare to the past and parents are putting more and more efforts to build up their and children's future. While doing so, I certainly agree that they are ignoring their social responsibilities towards children such as keeping them in the discipline. Parents should take this matter more seriously and set an example for their offspring by being disciplined. To commence with, the world is becoming more materialistic and technical. Hence, parents are trying to achieve the highest rank in the society as a wealthier member of it by possessing an enormous amount of money and expensive material, so that they can give a healthy and wealthy life to their child. However, they are forgetting about the general and primary steps to raise their child as great human beings of the society by teaching them basic social ethics like discipline. For instance, parents are relying on early childhood cares to take care of their child so parents can go to jobs. Although, this scenario is raising a generation gap between parents and children as they are spending less time with each other. Undoubtedly, Children not only learn most of the stuff in the early ages of their life but also they look after their idols and copy them. In a recent survey by the students of John Hopkins University, it turned out that 80% of young pupils' idols are their parents. To improve the traits of their offspring, parents should sit in the breakfast and dinner with the child and should talk to them about daily life and teach them some valuable lessons from their experiences. Furthermore, parents should indulge themselves in fun activities with children that convey any moral values and discipline. To conclude, although money and secure job is valuable, yet parents should be responsible for taking care of basic needs of the child and set an example for them by maintaining ethics and discipline at home.
The world is becoming more competitive compare to the past and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are putting more and more efforts to build up their and children's future. While doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, I
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that they are ignoring their social responsibilities towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
such as keeping them in the discipline.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should take this matter more
seriously
and set an example for their offspring by
being disciplined
.

To commence with, the world is becoming more materialistic and technical.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are trying to achieve the highest rank in the society as a wealthier member of it by possessing an enormous amount of money and expensive material,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can give a healthy and wealthy life to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
.
However
, they are forgetting about the general and primary steps to raise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
as great human beings of the society by teaching them basic social ethics like discipline.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are relying on early childhood cares to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can go to jobs. Although, this scenario is raising a generation gap between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they are spending less time with each other.

Undoubtedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
learn most of the stuff in the early ages of their life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they look after their idols and copy them. In a recent survey by the students of John Hopkins University, it turned out that 80% of young pupils' idols are their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the traits of their offspring,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should sit in the breakfast and dinner with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
and should talk to them about daily life and teach them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
valuable lessons from their experiences.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should indulge themselves in fun activities with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that convey any moral values and discipline.

To conclude
, although money and secure job is valuable,
yet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be responsible for taking care of basic needs of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
and set an example for them by maintaining ethics and discipline at home.

IELTS essay It is often said that nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their career. with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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