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It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

A person's personality is formed under the influence of family upbringing and external factors. Some people argue that external factors such as peer, media and teacher pressures have more effect on children temper than family. This essay will discuss both these points of view and argue in favour of the latter. One the one hand, The books children read and the music they listen, form their beliefs and faiths. In other words, children tend to follow and imitate the behaviour of their favourite personality. Moreover, when a children are in school or play in playground, they are influenced by their peers. Finally, other factors, like the media, prompt children to want things regarded as fashionable. For instance, children demand toys that they see on television. Therefore, some people argue that external factors have an undeniable influence on the life of children and are predominant in shaping their future. On the other hand, a child's personality is malleable at a very young age, and parents are often present in their life at this stage. Also, very young children love to imitate their parent's behavior. For example, children who have a dysfunctional family often exhibit behavioural problems at school. That is while, An emotionally safe home environment is critical for the child's confidence. Moreover, parents also teach children about setting boundaries. It is their behavior and upbringing that teaches children what friends to choose, what books to read, and what movies to watch. Therefore, In my opinion, children's choice of friends, books or music and etc. depends on the values inspired in them by their parents. Therefore, parents hold more substantial mastery over their offspring than media, pop culture and friend groups. In conclusion, it is undeniable that the outside world affects the intellectual and social development of children. However, I believe that it is the parents who, from a very young age, provide the ground for the positive or negative direction of these developments.
A person's personality
is formed
under the influence of family upbringing and external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such as peer, media and teacher pressures have more effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
temper than family. This essay will discuss both these points of view and argue in favour of the latter.

One the one hand, The books
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
read and the music they listen, form their beliefs and faiths.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to follow and imitate the behaviour of their favourite personality.
Moreover
, when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are in school or play in playground, they
are influenced
by their peers.
Finally
, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
, like the media, prompt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to want things regarded as fashionable.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
demand toys that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on television.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
have an undeniable influence on the life of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and are predominant in shaping their future.

On the other hand
, a child's personality is malleable at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
present in their life at this stage.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to imitate their parent's behavior.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have a dysfunctional family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
exhibit behavioural problems at school.
That is
while, An
emotionally
safe home environment is critical for the child's confidence.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
also
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about setting boundaries. It is their behavior and upbringing that teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
what friends to choose, what books to read, and what movies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
.

Therefore
, In my opinion, children's choice of friends, books or music and etc. depends on the values inspired in them by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
hold more substantial mastery over their offspring than media, pop culture and friend groups.

In conclusion
, it is undeniable that the outside world affects the intellectual and social development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, I believe that it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who, from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age, provide the ground for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
direction of these developments.
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IELTS essay It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
323 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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