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IT IS BETTER FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS TO LIVE FAR AWAY FROM HOME THAN LIVE AT HOME WITH THEIR PARENTS. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE? v.3

IT IS BETTER FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS TO LIVE FAR AWAY FROM HOME THAN LIVE AT HOME WITH THEIR PARENTS. v. 3
I this modern world, the unemployment rate among the masses is burgeoning day by day as they are completing their education. So, it has a negative impact on the community. I believe that these circumstances can be remedied by making the way of teaching more interesting and increasing the student's involvement in the class. To begin with, the drop-out rate can be reduced by using various graphics tools such as audios, videos and presentations. These not only help the learners to understand the topic easily but also makes it quite interesting for them. For example, in India, schools utilize the latest technological gadgets to teach children. Consequently, it creates interest among the students to come to the class. Therefore, there is a fewer number of students, in India, leave the schools before completing their education. Hence, different teaching methods help to retain adolescents in the class. Moreover, teachers must increase the involvement of students in the classroom by encouraging them to ask questions. Besides, they can prepare presentations and then present it in the class. These activities motivate them to come to school, as a result, they would take more interest in studies. For instance, Canadian schools give assignments to the learners to make it from their homes. Also, they conduct the tutorial classes so that they could ask problems if they have any. Therefore, student participation in class encourages them to attend it. To summarize, according to me, the employment rate can be increased by making the class more interesting and motivating the learners to participate in it.
Did you mean "If" or is a comma missing ("I,")?
I
this modern world, the unemployment rate among the masses is burgeoning day by day as they are completing their education.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the community. I believe that these circumstances can
be remedied
by making the way of teaching more interesting and increasing the student's involvement in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the drop-out rate can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by using various graphics tools such as audios, videos and presentations. These not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the learners to understand the topic
easily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it quite interesting for them.
For example
, in India,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
utilize the latest technological gadgets to teach children.
Consequently
, it creates interest among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
Therefore
, there is a fewer number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, in India,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
completing their education.
Hence
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
teaching methods
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to retain adolescents in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.

Moreover
, teachers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
increase the involvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in the classroom by encouraging them to ask questions.
Besides
, they can prepare presentations and then present it in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. These activities motivate them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
as a result
, they would take more interest in studies.
For instance
, Canadian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
give assignments to the learners to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it from their homes.
Also
, they conduct the tutorial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could ask problems if they have any.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
participation in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
encourages them to attend it.

To summarize
, according to me, the employment rate can
be increased
by making the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
more interesting and motivating the learners to participate in it.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay IT IS BETTER FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS TO LIVE FAR AWAY FROM HOME THAN LIVE AT HOME WITH THEIR PARENTS. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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