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It is believed that women are more suited to child-rearing than men. What is your opinion on this issue?

Both father and mother play a significant role in nurturing and teaching children. Yet, there remain some disagreements so as to whether women or men better fulfill the parental obligation. I think both the parents share equal credit in raising kids. The first part of the essay is an elaboration of mother’s crucial role while the latter half is regarding the responsibilities taken care by father in upbringing of their infants. To begin with, mothers occupy some exclusive roles which cannot be substituted by fathers. Mothers are blessed to give their children bodily functions during prenatal stage. For example, only women overcome the prenatal period and suffer from postnatal pain to bring their babies to life. Furthermore, just mothers provide children initial power to survive which refers to breast milk being the source of anti-body for immune system and nutrition for infants. Admittedly, it could also be said that men also participate in nurturing children. Patriarchs are breadwinners responsible in taking care of all the necessities of their child. A father makes future of the child financially secure. As financial security is as important as building child’s personality. Fathers act as a role model for their children on how to be strong and a better person in life. This helps them to grow as finer and responsible citizens later. To conclude both men and women share equal proportion in raising the children. If any proportion is not balanced then there will be a huge impact on the children. Though in our society, women play a superior role in parenting and rearing their child.
Both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
play a significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in nurturing and teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Yet
, there remain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disagreements
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Consider shortening this phrase to just “whether”, or rephrase the sentence to avoid “as to”.
as to whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
better fulfill the parental obligation. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
both the parents share equal credit in raising kids. The
first
part of the essay is an elaboration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother’s
crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
while the latter half is regarding the responsibilities taken care by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
in upbringing of their infants.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, mothers occupy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exclusive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
which cannot
be substituted
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
. Mothers
are blessed
to give their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
bodily
functions during prenatal stage.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
overcome the prenatal period and suffer from postnatal pain to bring their babies to life.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
mothers provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
initial power to survive which refers to breast milk being the source of anti-body for immune system and nutrition for infants.

Admittedly
, it could
also
be said
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
also
participate in nurturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Patriarchs are breadwinners responsible in taking care of all the necessities of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
future of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
financially
secure.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
financial security is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as building
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
personality.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Fathers
act as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
model for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on how to be strong and a better person in life. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to grow as finer and responsible citizens later.

To conclude
both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
share equal proportion in raising the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. If any proportion is not balanced then there will be a huge impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Though in our society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
play a superior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in parenting and rearing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
.
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IELTS essay It is believed that women are more suited to child-rearing than men. What is your opinion on this issue?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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