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It is a common belief that people in developed countries spend too much money on their pets, and that the money could better be used elsewhere. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is a common belief that people in developed countries spend too much money on their pets, and that the money could better be used elsewhere. qRN2w
It is true that most of the people give so much priority to their hobby which can be proved by seeing their raising style of pet but such expensive hobby is not appreciable by some individual while there are lots of financial crisis in society. I shall discuss both perspective but I personally side with the second view. Those in support of spending money for their pets, say that owing a pets give them similar kind of feeling just like raising a child. People who don’t have child love to treat their animal as a child which makes them internally happy. In that case, spending too much money is not an issue for them. In addition, normally innocent animal is exploited in roads because of selfish reason and it will be stopped as animal lover takes them home, give food and proper care which this animal deserve. Moreover, pets mainly dogs been extremely loyal to their master, don’t tolerate any harm of people who love them. In terms of this factor spending money on pets is justified to them. On the other hand, such expensive hobby is not considered by many people because a number of financial crisis is present in our surroundings. Money which is spent by animal lover on their pet should be spent in those crisis of society. Furthermore there is many human who does not have any home lives under the sky, those people deserve a place to live which can be built by this money of reach people. While there are many people in developed country who don’t have food to eat, don’t have any requirement to lead a normal life, in that situation spending money to take care of domestic animal is not appreciable at all. Rich people should be spend their money on social welfare rather than maintaining the luxurious hobby. To conclude, in my view, innocent animal loved by everyone that’s why people love to spent money on them but helping poor people by this money is much necessary than expensive hobby. Human needs should be prioritize over facility for domestic animal.
It is true that most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much priority to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
which can
be proved
by seeing their raising style of pet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
such expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
is not appreciable by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individual while there are lots of financial crisis in society. I shall discuss both perspective
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
personally
side with the second view.

Those in support of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pets
, say that owing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pets
give them similar kind of feeling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like raising a child.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
don’t have child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to treat their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
as a child which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
internally
happy.
In that case
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not an issue for them.
In addition
,
normally
innocent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
is exploited
in roads
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of selfish reason and it will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
lover takes them home, give food and proper care which this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
deserve.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pets
mainly
dogs been
extremely
loyal to their master, don’t tolerate any harm of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
them. In terms of this factor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pets
is justified
to them.

On the other hand
, such expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
is not considered by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a number of financial crisis is present in our surroundings.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
which
is spent
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
lover on their pet should
be spent
in
Did you mean "this crisis" or "those crises"?
those crisis
of society.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
does not have any home
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
under the sky, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
deserve a place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
which can
be built
by this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
of reach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
don’t have food to eat, don’t have any requirement to lead a normal life, in that situation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to take care of domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
is not appreciable at all. Rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
Consider using the past participle "spent"?
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on social welfare
rather
than maintaining the luxurious hobby.

To conclude
, in my view, innocent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
by everyone that’s why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to spent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
helping poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is much
Use "(necessary)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
necessary
than expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
. Human needs should be
Consider using the past participle "prioritized"?
prioritize
over facility for domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
.
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IELTS essay It is a common belief that people in developed countries spend too much money on their pets, and that the money could better be used elsewhere.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
350 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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