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Is this a positive development or negative one?

Is this a positive development or negative one? 30ByN
There is a drastic increase in the number of people who watch movies and listen to music online because of free access to this content. Personally, I believe this is a negative development which can lead to time wastage, inefficient use of human energy and potentially insignificant utilization of the internet data. The biggest downside to the easy access of movies online is that it makes people unproductive. When they should be doing something productive that would help themselves and their country, they are wasting their precious time watching nonsensical movies online. They know that these useless videos will not help them in any way, yet they watch them for hours on end because they provide entertainment. Unfortunately, this unproductive activity certainly reduces the amount of time they get to study or work. Watching online videos for a long time can also be detrimental to health. In other words, sitting idle doing nothing but clicking the mouse button can hurt the fitness level of a person. This is particularly bad for the youth who needs to utilize their boundless energy for something productive/healthy. For example, they could volunteer for a charity or hit the gym when they get free time. Another issue associated with watching too many online movies is that this practice leads to the wastage of useful bandwidth. The internet data is a valuable resource. Using it merely for entertainment is a wasteful venture especially since it can be used in much more productive ways. That is to say, this data can be utilized to enhance knowledge and skill by watching knowledgeable videos. In conclusion, although it has become more popular for people to entertain themselves through the internet, it has brought about too many problems for this to be considered a positive trend.
There is a drastic increase in the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
and listen to music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of free access to this content.
Personally
, I believe this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development which can lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
wastage, inefficient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of human energy and
potentially
insignificant utilization of the internet data.

The biggest downside to the easy access of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
unproductive. When they should be doing something productive that would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
themselves and their country, they are wasting their precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
watching nonsensical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
. They know that these useless videos will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in any way,
yet
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
them for hours on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they provide entertainment. Unfortunately, this unproductive activity
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to study or work.

Watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
videos for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can
also
be detrimental to health.
In other words
, sitting idle doing nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
clicking the mouse button can hurt the fitness level of a person. This is
particularly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for the youth who needs to utilize their boundless energy for something productive/healthy.
For example
, they could volunteer for a charity or hit the gym when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Another issue associated with watching too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
is that this practice leads to the wastage of useful bandwidth. The internet data is a valuable resource. Using it
merely
for entertainment is a wasteful venture
especially
since it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in much more productive ways.
That is
to say, this data can
be utilized
to enhance knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
by watching knowledgeable videos.

In conclusion
, although it has become more popular for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to entertain themselves through the internet, it has brought about too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems for this to
be considered
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend.
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IELTS essay Is this a positive development or negative one?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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