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is comprehensive education better than work experience. Do you agree?

is comprehensive education better than work experience. Do you agree? bOBOP
Comprehensive schools were introduced as a state schools in the 1940‘s and widespread from 1965. Most of people think the comprehensive education is better than work experience but though ı don’t agree on this. The comprehensive education is necessary yet undoubtedly it cannot get ahead of work experience. Comprehensive education carries us a certain point for instance; while we learn at school there are teachers who teach us. İf we want to improve ourselves we should get more individual experience. Furthermore in education, we continue the trial and error method. But we don’t get much change in real life what ı mean is work experience gives many opportunities for to be professional. Also, comprehensive education begins too premature old in secondary or high school so this process brings about grow away from vocation us. At a noticeable age to acquire work experience is more logical. The school fee could be expensive. For this reason more lucrative start a business life. As a result, work experience better than comprehesive education.
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Comprehensive
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schools
were introduced
as a state
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in the
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "1940s".
1940‘s
and widespread from 1965.

Most of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
comprehensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is better than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
though ı don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
on this.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
comprehensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is necessary
yet
undoubtedly
it cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
ahead of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience.

Comprehensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
carries us a certain point
for instance
; while we learn at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
there are teachers who teach us.
Possible spelling mistake found.
İf
we want to i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
mprove
ourselves we should g
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
et
more individual experience.

F
urthermore
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, we continue the trial and error method. B
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
ut
we don’t g
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
et
much c
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hange
in real life what ı mean is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
gives m
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
any
opportunities for to be professional.

A
lso,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
comprehensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
b
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
egins
too premature o
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
ld
in secondary or high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
o
this process brings about grow away from vocation us. At a noticeable age to acquire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
is more logical.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
fee could be expensive. F
or this reason
more lucrative s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tart
a business life.

A
s a result,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
better than
Possible spelling mistake found.
comprehesive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.

IELTS essay is comprehensive education better than work experience. Do you agree?

Essay
  American English
8 paragraphs
169 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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