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invest money for the elderly or students

invest money for the elderly or students WE3Qk
While some people argue that the government should provide support for the older generation, others argue that it is essential to provide funds to the education of the young. Both ideas have their own benefits, as now it will be discussed. It is said that governments need to take a certain level of care for the older population. Firstly, when the elder people were young, they contributed their abilities and talents in increasing the total national products, developing the society and economy. . . . Therefore, when they get older, the government should supply both financial and social support for the elderly to cover the basic needs such as healthcare, foods, drinks, and utility bills in their lives to express their gratitude towards the elderly for their contribution and it also is an example for the younger generation to devote their best to their countries. Secondly, the aged community may have many health problems such as high blood pressure, heart attack, headache and so on. A country developing in health service will increase the age of the elderly higher. This helps us show the improvement of the national health field to other countries. As an example, Korea is good at the medical area and they have good policies for the older population, so the age of the elderly in this country increases. From that, many people from other countries can see the progress of health care there. On the other hand, students are the future of a nation so it is extremely important to invest in them. The government should pay money to improve the system of school education and facilities for students. From that, the country will get better its society, economy and other fields in the future. Take America, Japan, Germany as an example, they have a prosperous economy because of being well-educated. We can see that investing money for students is also the way to grow the development of all fields in the future.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should provide support for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generation, others argue that it is essential to provide funds to the education of the young. Both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it will
be discussed
.

It
is said
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
need to take a certain level of care for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
population.
Firstly
, when the elder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were young, they contributed their abilities and talents in increasing the total national products, developing the society and economy.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Therefore
, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should supply both financial and social support for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
to cover the basic needs such as healthcare, foods, drinks, and utility bills in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to express their gratitude towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
for their contribution and it
also
is an example for the younger generation to devote their best to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Secondly
, the aged community may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems such as high blood pressure, heart attack, headache and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
developing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
service will increase the age of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
higher. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the improvement of the national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
field to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. As an example, Korea is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at the medical
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
area and
they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
policies for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
population,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the age of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
increases. From that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
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other
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countries
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the progress of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care there.

On the
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other
hand, students are the future of a nation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to invest in them. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should pay money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the system of school education and facilities for students. From that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better its society, economy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
fields in the future. Take America, Japan, Germany as an example, they have a prosperous economy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of being well-educated. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that investing money for students is
also
the way to grow the development of all fields in the future.
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IELTS essay invest money for the elderly or students

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
327 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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