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International sports competition are the best way to prevent conflicts and therefore large sum of money should be spent on international sports competition do you agree?

International sports competition are the best way to prevent conflicts and therefore large sum of money should be spent on international sports competition do you agree? OrgLM
In this modern era, competition sports are quite essential this day, weather co-operative sports are quite essential for holistic development of children and it can be reduce the communalism tension between to nation, government should invest colossal amount of money on sports competition, but other factors can not be neglected. To embark with, sport is great boon to mankind, healthy competition can bring more and more advantage for living being, consequently sports man can enhance their relationship with other nation and dropped the chances of conflict. Moreover, international co-operation is alleviate the several issues and owing to this the sense of unity will increase and poor countries can acquire the benefits like updated equipment and many more valuable aid and they can make their luminous career in sport field. Moreover, sports can eradicated from monotonous life and makes person more active and fit as well as it can strong the relationship between two nation. To cite an example in 1962 at time second world war after that Japan started Olympic game is motive is to reduce the war distant and enhance the relationship. However, although sports has great opportunities to built relation, there is several problems apart from sport, like starvation is moot issue in many countries so government should spent on that. To add on, regime should provide the education to destitute people, consequently country can climb their literacy ration. In conclusion, sports is necessary in all the country and it is indispensable for human kind and nation to built strong relationships and eradicate conflicts although, other sectors are crucial to develop and gain more opportunities.
In this modern era, competition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are quite
Did you mean "essentially"?
essential
this day, weather co-operative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are quite essential for holistic development of children and it can be
Consider using the past participle "reduced"?
reduce
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
communalism
tension between to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should invest colossal amount of money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
competition,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
other factors can not
be neglected
.

To embark with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is great boon to mankind, healthy competition can bring more and more advantage for living being,
consequently
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
can enhance their relationship with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
and dropped the chances of conflict.
Moreover
, international co-operation is
Consider using a past participle here: "alleviated".
alleviate
the several issues and owing to this the sense of unity will increase and poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
can acquire the benefits like updated equipment and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more valuable
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
aid and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their luminous career in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
field.

Two successive sentences begin with the same adverb. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can eradicated from monotonous life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
person more active and fit
as well
as it can strong the relationship between two
Possible agreement error. The noun 'nation' seems to be countable, so consider using: "nations".
nation
. To cite an example in 1962 at time second world war after that Japan
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
Olympic game is motive is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the war distant and enhance the relationship.

However
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
has great opportunities to built relation,
Did you mean "there are several problems"?
there is several problems
apart from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
, like starvation is moot issue in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "spend"
spent
on that. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
on, regime should provide the education to destitute
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
consequently
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can climb their literacy ration.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is necessary in all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and it is indispensable for human kind and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
to built strong relationships and eradicate conflicts although, other sectors are crucial to develop and gain more opportunities.
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IELTS essay International sports competition are the best way to prevent conflicts and therefore large sum of money should be spent on international sports competition do you agree?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
267 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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