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In some countries young people tend to work during university time. Discuss the advantages and disadvantage for young people who decide to do this.

In some countries young people tend to work during university time. Discuss the advantages and disadvantage for young people who decide to do this. VwGoJ
The story of whether to get a part-time job while studying at university is always a dilemma for today's students. Most students have also had to think and consider whether to work part-time while still in college or not? So let's analyze some of its benefits. Firstly, working part-time will help you have an extra monthly income and be able to afford your own expenses as the result, it can help reduce financial burden for family. Secondly, you will have a chance to encounter reality and experience all aspects of life. That is the precious capital that part-time jobs bring to you. When writing part-time work experience in your CV, you will definitely get more attention from employers, especially when you have to compete with many other candidates.
The story of whether to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a part-time job while studying at university is always a dilemma for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's students. Most students have
also
had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and consider whether to work part-time while
still
in college or not?
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
's analyze
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of its benefits.
Firstly
, working part-time will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you have an extra monthly income and be able to afford your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
expenses as the result, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
financial burden for family.
Secondly
, you will have a chance to encounter reality and experience all aspects of life.
That is
the precious capital that part-time jobs bring to you. When writing part-time work experience in your CV, you will definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more attention from employers,
especially
when you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
compete with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other candidates.
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IELTS essay In some countries young people tend to work during university time. Discuss the advantages and disadvantage for young people who decide to do this.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
128 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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