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in some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing school and starting university studies. discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do it.

Nowadays it is a trend in some countries that the young people travel before they start the university studies. Travelling to other countries is not a barrier for the rich students as they have enough money to spend. There are many merits and demerits for young people who decide to do this. Firstly, students can fill the time gap between finishing high school and starting university studies. They do not have to simply sit at home. Secondly, even poor people can work after their high school and earn money for their higher studies so that there will not be any burden for their parents. Thirdly, working and travelling in foreign countries allows gaining knowledge about the culture, norms, and values of that country. Furthermore it increases our communication skill. More over students can find out the different courses and studies available in the country and they can choose the further studies according to their taste. Again working or travelling help people to face the realities of life and they will be prepared to manage the obstacles in their future life. In addition to this, work and travel make young people independent for their future university studies. As a result, they will become self-confident and it increases their self-esteem. On the contrary, there are some disadvantages too. Sometimes people will never return to their academic studies so that country will lose its scholars. Again young people may continue their work and they may lack their interest in studies. I think very few people only discontinue the studies as higher qualifications are needed for a good job. When we weigh both sides, the advantages are more.   From the above reasons, in my opinion, countries should encourage their young people to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Nowadays it is a trend in
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some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that the
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young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
travel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. Travelling to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
is not a barrier for the rich students as they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to spend. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
merits and demerits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who decide to do this.

Firstly
, students can fill the time gap between finishing high school and starting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. They do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
simply
sit at home.
Secondly
, even poor
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people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after their high school and earn money for their higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that there will not be any burden for their parents.
Thirdly
, working and travelling in foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
gaining knowledge about the culture, norms, and values of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
it increases our communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
. More over students can find out the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
courses and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
available in the
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
country and
they can choose the
further
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studies
according to their taste. Again working or travelling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
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people
to face the realities of
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they will
be prepared
to manage the obstacles in their future life.
In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and travel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
independent for their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
As a result
, they will become
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
self-confident and
it increases their self-esteem.

On the contrary
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages too.
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Sometimes
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people
will never return to their academic
Use a comma before ‘so’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
studies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will lose its scholars. Again
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may continue their
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
work and
they may lack their interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
discontinue the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
as higher qualifications
are needed
for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job.

When we weigh both sides, the advantages are more.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
From the above reasons, in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
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IELTS essay in some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing school and starting university studies. discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do it.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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