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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? ljd6b
Most people think weight is equavalent to health. But to their surprise gaining weight does not always mean one is healthy. Even though there is an association of weight with health but that is beyond gaining or losing weight. In many countries people eat in order to get fat. Because according to many cultures weight symbolizes their status. For example, the women in African tribes are often compelled to eat fat in order to gain weight. Consequently, the average weight in Africa is increasing but the extra weight is only harming their bodies by causing heart blockage, cholesterol accumulation in liver and many other complications. Again, in many countries people prefer fast foods more than home cooked foods. There are various factors responsible. One major reason is the availability of fast food chains. Moreover, having a busy schedule discourages people to cook their meals and makes them dependent on take-outs. These foods are always high in sodium and fats which is unhealthy. By consuming these unhealthy foods people gain weight but are always deprived of nutritions they need. furthermore, due to having busy schedule people are becoming more robotic and losing the interest in sports and exercises. Hence, they are gaining weight but their level of health and fitness is decreasing. In order to deal with increased average weight some measures could be taken such as introduction of sports clubs in offices and schools, organizing competitive events every month. Additionally, raising awareness regarding the gruesome effects of the take-outs and struggles of being overweight might discourage people to give up on unhealthy habits. To conclude, the issue of increasing average weight in some countries can be eradicated with the help of raising awareness and practising healthy habits.
Most
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people
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think
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weight
is
Possible spelling mistake found.
equavalent
to health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
to their surprise gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
does not always mean one is healthy.
Even though
there is an association of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
with health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that is
beyond gaining or losing
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weight
. In
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many
countries
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people
eat in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cultures
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
symbolizes their status.
For example
, the women in African tribes are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
compelled to eat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
in order to gain
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weight
.
Consequently
, the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
in Africa is increasing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the extra
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weight
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
harming their bodies by causing heart blockage, cholesterol accumulation in liver and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other complications. Again, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
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foods
more than home cooked
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foods
. There are various factors responsible. One major reason is the availability of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chains.
Moreover
, having a busy schedule discourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to cook their meals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them dependent on take-outs. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are always high in sodium and fats which is unhealthy. By consuming these unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
are always deprived of
Possible spelling mistake found.
nutritions
they need.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
furthermore
, due to having busy schedule
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming more robotic and losing the interest in sports and exercises.
Hence
, they are gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their level of health and fitness is decreasing. In order to deal with increased average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures could
be taken
such as introduction of sports clubs in offices and schools, organizing competitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
every month.
Additionally
, raising awareness regarding the gruesome effects of the take-outs and struggles of being overweight might discourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to give up on unhealthy habits.
To conclude
, the issue of increasing average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries can
be eradicated
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of raising awareness and
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
healthy habits.
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IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
287 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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