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In some countries, many people are leading an unhealthy lifestyle these days. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

In some countries, many people are leading an unhealthy lifestyle these days. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? 6mQ9W
Modern man’s life has become stressful because of economic issues, and many have become overweight. I think that this is one of negatives of modern life, and people are currently suffering physically and psychologically. In the beginning, too much work leads to fatigue and lack of quality sleep, and the human body naturally consumes a lot of sugary intake. In other words, if a person has to do a double shift at work, he rewards his body with a lot of caffeine and desserts to give him the energy. For example, the average Egyptian works 14 hours a day, and that is why many have become overweight since most employees order junk food and do not have time to eat healthy at home. As a result, more diseases have appeared such as diabetes and high blood pressure. In addition, not only does modern life have its negative impacts on the body but also on the psychological health. To explain, when someone is overworked, he will not have enough time to enjoy anything in life. This can be witnessed in Egypt where many secretly suffer from depression because of life stressors, and there is no time to socialize or communicate with anyone. Hence, many have become less productive and more suicidal, and this is a social catastrophe.
Modern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
stressful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of economic issues, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
overweight. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this is one of negatives of modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
currently
suffering
physically
and
psychologically
. In the beginning, too much work leads to fatigue and lack of quality sleep, and the human body
naturally
consumes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
sugary intake.
In other words
, if a person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
do a double shift at work, he rewards his body with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
caffeine and desserts to give him the energy.
For example
, the average Egyptian works 14 hours a day, and
that is
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
overweight since most employees order junk food and do not have time to eat healthy at home.
As a result
, more diseases have appeared such as diabetes and high blood pressure.
In addition
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
have its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the body
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
on the psychological health. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
, when someone
is overworked
, he will not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to enjoy anything in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This can
be witnessed
in Egypt where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
secretly
suffer from depression
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
stressors, and there is no time to socialize or communicate with anyone.
Hence
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
less productive and more suicidal, and this is a social catastrophe.
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IELTS essay In some countries, many people are leading an unhealthy lifestyle these days. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
216 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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