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In some areas of US, a 'curfew' is imposed, in which teenagers are not allowed to be out of doors after a particular time at night unless they are accompanied by an adult. What is your opinion about this?

In some areas of US, a 'curfew' is imposed, in which teenagers are not allowed to be out of doors after a particular time at night unless they are accompanied by an adult. What is your opinion about this? VR3A
In some regions of America, a 'curfew' seems to be imposed although it has not been imposed in Japan for many years. There should be from background to impose a curfew and this essay will discuss pros and cons about it. First of all, curfew may not be imposed in safe areas. Safe means that the crime rate is low. If teenagers go out at night in the area which there are many crimes happening, they would be involved and be in danger. Because they do not know how to protect themselves from possible dangers of crimes. Also, it is possible that teens might commit crimes due to the fact they are curios about everything and they are easily involved to their friends. In addition, high crime late sometime means that parents interest about education is low. Therefore children get interested in crimes, drugs, rapes, robberies instead of studying. Consequently, children will not get good jobs and become poor, then will commit crimes. So, bad sequences will be repeated. In such situations, it may be necessary to impose a curfew. However, there may be a opinion that a curfew should not be imposed. Because it is not good idea to restrict children's action and children's freedom should be respected instead. I agree with this idea to some extent. If a teen is less that 15 yearsold, they should not be outside after 9 o'clock. However, teens over 15 years old can understand what is wrong. In conclusion, in a dangerous area teenagers might be restricted to go out at night, however ages over 15 can be exempted. What is more important thing is to educate people including parents. Otherwise, situation will not change.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
regions of America, a 'curfew' seems to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imposed
although it has not been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imposed
in Japan for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years. There should be from background to impose a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curfew
and this essay will discuss pros and cons about it.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curfew
may not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imposed
in safe areas. Safe means that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate is low. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
go out at night in the area which there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
happening, they would
be involved
and be in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
they do not know how to protect themselves from possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
Also
, it is possible that teens might commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
due to the fact they are curios about
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
everything and
they are
easily
involved to their friends.
In addition
, high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
late sometime means that parents interest about education is low.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
interested in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
, drugs, rapes, robberies
instead
of studying.
Consequently
, children will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
jobs and become poor, then will commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
sequences will
be repeated
. In such situations, it may be necessary to impose a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curfew
.
However
, there may be
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
opinion that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curfew
should not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imposed
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to restrict children's action and children's freedom should
be respected
instead
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent. If a teen is less that 15
Possible spelling mistake found.
yearsold
, they should not be outside after 9 o'clock.
However
, teens over 15 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
can understand what is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
.
In conclusion
, in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
area
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
might
be restricted
to go out at night,
however
ages over 15 can
be exempted
.
What is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is to educate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
including parents.
Otherwise
, situation will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.
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IELTS essay In some areas of US, a 'curfew' is imposed, in which teenagers are not allowed to be out of doors after a particular time at night unless they are accompanied by an adult. What is your opinion about this?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
283 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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