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In many countries the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations. v.3

In many countries the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations. v. 3
It is the fact that nowadays people are living more than earlier in industrialised nations. Even though there will be undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend, certain solutions can be applied by society to minimise the adverse effects. To embark with, as the people live longer and the population of well developed countries grows, there are several problems in the society which are expected. The major problem arises related to tax, due to the elderly people have more population, government have to pay more pension for them. While at the same time there are less proportion of young adults, who work and pay the taxes. Moreover, the healthcare system can be suffering from stress and workload. Therefore, government has to spend more budget on health department to manage all resources, which again add burden on society and ruling party. In addition, young people have to look after elderly more, which might enhance the stress amongst them socially and financially. However, there are certain measures that government could take to solve the above mentioned problems. First of all, a rather simple solution would be increase retirement age for working adults, such that Legislators have more fund from tax and less burden to handle the pensions. For example, there are some countries which have a retirement age above 65, Norway has a retirement age around 68 years. Following measure will be increasing numbers of migrating workers, Thus there will be more adults who work for nationally and pay more taxes. Also, less likely solution, but necessary to mention would lessen the budget on other areas and increasing budget on health, which will eventually help senior citizens. To put this in a nutshell, I opine that although there are some negative aspects of greying society, the negative aspects can be suppressed by applying a few simple tricks by government with certain measures.
It is the fact that nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living more than earlier in
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialised' is British English.
industrialised
nations.
Even though
there will be
undoubtedly
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences of this trend, certain solutions can
be applied
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimise' is British English.
minimise
the adverse effects.

To embark with, as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer and the population of well
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
grows, there are several problems in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
. The major problem arises related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
, due to the elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more population,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay more pension for them. While at the same time there are less proportion of young adults, who work and pay the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
.
Moreover
, the healthcare system can be suffering from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and workload.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
spend more budget on health department to manage all resources, which again
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
burden on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and ruling party.
In addition
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
look after elderly more, which might enhance the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
amongst them
socially
and
financially
.

However
, there are certain measures that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could take to solve the above mentioned problems.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a
rather
simple solution would be increase retirement age for working adults, such that Legislators have more fund from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
and less burden to handle the pensions.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries which have a retirement age above 65, Norway has a retirement age around 68 years. Following measure will be increasing numbers of migrating workers,
Thus
there will be more adults who work for
nationally
and pay more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
.
Also
, less likely solution,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
necessary to mention would lessen the budget on other areas and increasing budget on health, which will
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
senior citizens.

To put this in a nutshell, I opine that although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of
Possible spelling mistake found.
greying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects can
be suppressed
by applying a few simple tricks by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
with certain measures.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay In many countries the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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