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In education and employment some people work harder than the others. What are the reasons? Is it a positive thing?

In education and employment some people work harder than the others. What are the reasons? Is it a positive thing? 06EBO
It is true that there are people who exert more effort in their jobs or studies than the others. In this essay, I will discuss the reasons for this attitude and why I believe it’s not always a good thing. There are several reasons why some individuals are more dedicated to their work or education than other people. First of all, it roots from their level of motivation to attain their goals. Because they want to achieve something in a specific period of time, they will strive hard to get to that place as soon as possible. A rank-and-file employee, for instance, who wants to climb up the top of the corporate ladder in a short amount of time, must work better and harder than his colleagues. This kind of work ethic can only be attained with a proper mindset such as keeping the focus on the goal and perseverance. The second reason is that they have have greater responsibilities than the others. For example, breadwinners have the tendency to perform better in their jobs because they have to earn good amount of money for their family. Being hard working is one of the attitudes that will bring individuals to the place they intend to be. It keeps them ahead of the game and improves their quality of work. However, it may also lead to undesirable outcomes. Too much work can have negative effects to our physical and mental states. For example, some people may feel exhausted after a long day at work or some students may suffer from anxiety due to the pressures from school. People must keep in mind that hard work is good but in moderation. In conclusion, people perform better than other people because they want to achieve their goals or they have bigger roles to assume. Although it is a good quality to possess, it may negatively impact our well-being.
It is true that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who exert more effort in their jobs or studies than the others. In this essay, I will discuss the reasons for this attitude and why I believe it’s not always a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
thing.

There are several reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals are more dedicated to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or education than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it roots from their level of motivation to attain their goals.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they want to achieve something in a specific period of time, they will strive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to that place as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible. A rank-and-file employee,
for instance
, who wants to climb up the top of the corporate ladder in a short amount of time,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
better and harder than his colleagues. This kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
ethic can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be attained
with a proper mindset such as keeping the focus on the goal and perseverance. The second reason is that they
Possible typo: you repeated a word
have have
greater responsibilities than the others.
For example
, breadwinners have the tendency to perform better in their jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
amount of money for their family.

Being
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
is one of the attitudes that will bring individuals to the place they intend to be. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
them ahead of the game and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
their quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
However
, it may
also
lead to undesirable outcomes. Too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects to our physical and mental states.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may feel exhausted after a long day at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
students may suffer from anxiety due to the pressures from school.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in mind that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in moderation.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
perform better than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to achieve their
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
goals or
they have bigger roles to assume. Although it is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
quality to possess, it may
negatively
impact our well-being.
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IELTS essay In education and employment some people work harder than the others. What are the reasons? Is it a positive thing?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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