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In a recent survey conducted in this country, it was found that up to 20% of twelve year-olds in some schools were showing early signs of nicotine addiction. In the eighteen to twenty year age bracket the percentage was as high as 70%. A large contributing factor to this high level of addiction is attributed to the uncensored TV advertising of cigarettes. For this reason all cigarette advertising should be banned.

In a recent survey conducted in this country, it was found that up to 20% of twelve year-olds in some schools were showing early signs of nicotine addiction. In the eighteen to twenty year age bracket the percentage was as high as 70%. A large contributing factor to this high level of addiction is attributed to the uncensored TV advertising of cigarettes. For this reason all cigarette advertising should be banned. eeNYx
The issue of cigarette advertising is an important one, especially in this country where so many young adolescents smoke. One of the main causes of this problem is peer pressure. Another cause is advertising, especially TV advertising. Smoking, as we all know, leads to a number of health problems such as cancer and heart disease. Many people think that cigarette advertising should not be banned since this would limit our free choice in this matter. However there is growing evidence that this serious problem is getting out of control. Let us examine the facts more closely. The most important reason why cigarette advertising should be banned is that cigarette is bad for our health. Smoking causes lung cancer and heart disease. Many people also suffer from slow and painful death from a disease called emphysema. Another important reason why cigarette advertising should be banned is that it costs the tax payer money. People who become sick from smoking have to be cared for in expensive hospitals. In addition their deaths often results in financial problem for their families. Finally cigarette smoking may lead to another problem namely drug addiction. Although there is not conclusive evidence that this often happens, many experts in this area feel that there is a connection between the two. Perhaps a solution to this problem is the education of young children concerning the dangers of taking up this habit. Also a heavy tax could be placed on cigarettes so that youngsters would not be able to afford them. In any case, it seems beyond any reasonable doubt that cigarette advertising should be banned.
The issue of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarette
advertising is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
one,
especially
in this country where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young adolescents smoke. One of the main causes of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is peer pressure. Another cause is advertising,
especially
TV advertising.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Smoking
, as we all know, leads to a number of health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as cancer and heart disease.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarette
advertising should not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
banned
since this would limit our free choice in this matter.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
there is growing evidence that this serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is getting out of control.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us examine the facts more
closely
.

The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarette
advertising should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
banned
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarette
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for our health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Smoking
causes lung cancer and heart disease.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
also
suffer from slow and painful death from a disease called emphysema.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarette
advertising should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
banned
is that it costs the tax payer money.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who become sick from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be cared
for in expensive hospitals. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
their deaths
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
results in financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
for their families.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarette
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
may lead to another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
namely
drug addiction. Although there is not conclusive evidence that this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
happens,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
experts in this area feel that there is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
the two.

Perhaps a solution to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is the education of young children concerning the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of taking up this habit.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
a heavy tax could
be placed
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarettes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that youngsters would not be able to afford them. In any case, it seems beyond any reasonable doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarette
advertising should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
banned
.
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IELTS essay In a recent survey conducted in this country, it was found that up to 20% of twelve year-olds in some schools were showing early signs of nicotine addiction. In the eighteen to twenty year age bracket the percentage was as high as 70%. A large contributing factor to this high level of addiction is attributed to the uncensored TV advertising of cigarettes. For this reason all cigarette advertising should be banned.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
267 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • In a recent survey conducted in this country, it was found that up to 20% of twelve year-olds in some schools were showing early signs of nicotine addiction. In the eighteen to twenty year age bracket the percentage was as high as 70%. A large contributing factor to this high level of addiction is attributed to the uncensored TV advertising of cigarettes. For this reason all cigarette advertising should be banned.