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IELTS essay on why many people think that happiness relies upon the individual , while others think it is affected by other factors , discuss both views

People have different views/ approaches to happiness in life. So everyone does different takes to live a happy life. Some people believe that happiness depends on themselves, while others correlate it with other factors like financial status and success. I would discuss both the views and also discuss some points which strengthen my viewpoints in the upcoming paragraph. On the one hand, happiness is varied person to person, but there is some reason why some people think that no other than themselves can make them happy is that they believe money is not everything I mean to say, wealth does not need to lead much happiness. People can buy easy thing with cash but not inner satisfaction. For example, most rich people have the power to buy anything which they want except happiness, and they live a stressful and sad life. However, factors like inner satisfaction, job and health are equally important as money to determine the level of happiness. Sometimes people who earn low are happier than a rich person because they find joy in small things and satisfied with their lives because of their positive attitude and confidence level. On the other hand, the cause why the people on the opposite side regard external factors as essential to becoming happy. Some preconditions are required to achieve happiness. It is hard for a person to live happy when he or she is not feeling well or do not have enough food for him and his family or not live on safe place so in these situation people can not live happily. We know family is essential for all and people to live happily with their family but how a poor person live happy if one of his family members is not well and he can not afford his/ her treatment which affects his happiness. In conclusion, I believe that, however, our thinking way, attitude and confidence are the primitive factors for being happy, I admit that other external factors overshadow our happiness in life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views/ approaches to
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happiness
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
everyone does
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
takes to
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live
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
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people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
depends on themselves, while others correlate it with
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other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
like financial status and success. I would discuss both the views and
also
discuss
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
points which strengthen my viewpoints in the upcoming paragraph.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is varied
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person
to
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person
,
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but
there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reason why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that no
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other
than themselves can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
is that they believe money is not everything I mean to say, wealth does not need to lead much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
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People
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
easy thing with cash
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not inner satisfaction.
For example
, most rich
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people
have the power to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
anything which they want except
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happiness
, and they
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live
a stressful and sad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
,
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factors
like inner satisfaction, job and health are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as money to determine the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
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people
who earn low are happier than a rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they find joy in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
things and satisfied with their
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lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude and confidence level.

On the
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other
hand, the cause why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on the opposite side regard external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
as essential to becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
preconditions
are required
to achieve
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happiness
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to
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live
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happy
when he or she is not feeling well or do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
food for him and his
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family
or not
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live
on safe place
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in these situation
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people
can not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
happily
. We know
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family
is essential for all and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
happily
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
how a poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
if one of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members is not
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
well and
he can not afford his/ her treatment which affects his happiness.

In conclusion
, I believe that,
however
, our thinking way, attitude and confidence are the primitive
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factors
for being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
, I admit that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
overshadow our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
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IELTS essay IELTS essay on why many people think that happiness relies upon the individual, while others think it is affected by other factors, discuss both views

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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