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Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Happiness is a state of mind. Obviously, different people understand it in different ways. I believe that economic success is an essential element to happiness, but it is just one factor and that too not the most important one. Other factors like a stable family life, secure source of income and good heath are more important in achieving happiness. Undoubtedly, to achieve personal happiness, economic success is necessary but its importance shouldn’t be exaggerated. Apparently, it’s sensible to say that one needs sufficient money to live in a spacious apartment, to have a private car, fashionable clothes and latest household electrical appliances, which are all indispensable for happy life. However, we have to admit that material success alone can’t ensure that one can lead a happy life. One may have a lot of money but if there are not cordial relations among family members, one can never be happy. In fact, too much wealth can lead to stress in life if children go astray because of too much wealth. A person who has the barest minimum but a very understanding life partner and obedient children can be very happy. Good health is another factor needed for happiness. Can you imagine a multimillionaire suffering from cancer to be happy? Another big factor is a stable source of income. One can never be happy if one is not sure whether his business will pick up or his job is secure. To put it in a nutshell, I pen down saying that, economic success is important but those who cooperate well with co-workers and those who get along well with families, friends and neighbours are more likely to be happy, and it’s the same case with those who pursue a variety of interests and hobbies at leisure and those who are in good health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
is a state of mind.
Obviously
,
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different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
understand it in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different


ways. I believe that economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is an essential element to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one
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factor
and that too not the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
one. Other
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factors
like a stable

family
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life
, secure source of income and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
heath are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in achieving

happiness.

Undoubtedly
, to achieve personal
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happiness
, economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is
Use a comma before ‘but’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
necessary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
its

importance shouldn’t
be exaggerated
.
Apparently
, it’s sensible to say that one needs

sufficient money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a spacious apartment, to have a private car, fashionable

clothes and latest household electrical appliances, which are all indispensable for

happy life.

However
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
admit that material
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success
alone can’t ensure that one can lead

a
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happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. One may have
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a lot of
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if there are
It seems that the adverb “not” is incorrect in this context.
not
cordial relations among

family members, one can never be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. In fact, too much wealth can lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress


in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
if children go astray
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of too much wealth. A person
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who
has the barest

minimum
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
understanding
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life
partner and obedient children can be
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very


happy.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Good
health is another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
needed for
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happiness
. Can you imagine a

multimillionaire suffering from cancer to be
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happy
? Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
is a stable

source of income. One can never be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
if one is not sure whether his business will

pick up or his job is secure.

To put it in a nutshell, I pen down saying that, economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but


those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
cooperate well with co-workers and those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
along well with families,

friends and
Possible spelling mistake. ‘neighbours’ is British English.
neighbours
are more likely to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
, and it’s the same case with those

who pursue a variety of interests and hobbies at leisure and those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good


health.
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IELTS essay Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors.

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
301 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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